Blah, Blah, Blah.....

It's Monday, my rest day and what do I do, I rest!  Isn't that what you are supposed to do on a rest day?? Well, yes, it is, BUT why am I resting on a rest day when I haven't done any exercise for 2 weeks????????? 

Why?  Because I am feeling like a big, fat, lazy pog.  Look, here's a picture of me.......

walking the dog

Watching TV

Then for some unknown reason, I feel like this.....

Hahahaha, I can't believe I said unknown reason!  Of course I know the reason.  I'm the reason!  I seem to have become one of those people that complains about being fat and doing nothing about it.

such good advice

I hate being fat and unable to do simple things like go shopping without having to go to the "big" stores to buy a pair of pants or a top, so why do I continue to self-sabotage my efforts by eating crap and being lazy? I have no excuse and even if I did, it would be stupid and suck.  There really are no excuses.

"Don't complain  about being fat if you're not willing to do anything about it!"  I am willing and I go well for a while, lose a few kilos and then stop, just stop.  I totally don't understand myself, this is how I feel at the moment......

I actually feel like this sometimes.  I know what I need to do, I know how to do it, but I just don't.  It's like my brain just shuts down and I feel as though I can't get it to start again.  My journey is very, very mental (in all senses of the word), but what I mean is that I love to exercise. 

Exercising makes me feel so good.  I feel great after working out, I'm on a high, life is great etc. so why wouldn't I want to feel like that, really good, great even, all of the time?  I can't work it out! 

Is it because although I am 18 kg down, I still have 30+ kg to go?  Am I finding the whole number thing a lot more daunting than I thought I did?  Is it because I have such low self-esteem and self-belief that I am telling myself that I am going to fail so why bother?  Do I need to break my goals down into 5 kilo lots or maybe even 5 lb (2.268 kg) lots?  Maybe it's a combination of everything - it has to be I suppose, cause all these feelings don't just appear from nowhere, they must already be lurking in the back of my mind.

I'm actually very good at suppressing issues and pretending they don't exist, but lately I am starting to think that maybe I am eating these issues rather than suppressing them.  Not so good at hiding from them as I thought I was!  I'm not confrontational, I never have been.  I was the "perfect" child.  I never spoke back to my parents (or anyone for that matter), I just did what I was told even if I didn't want to.  I was 21 before I ever told my mum off and of course I felt like crap afterwards even though I knew she deserved it.

If there ever was a confrontation I would (and still do) just shut down.  I have all these thoughts racing through my mind and I often want to yell in, or punch the person's face, but I don't.  I just take it!  I don't say a word.  I know this may sound weird, odd and strange, but I physically can't say anything.  It's like my brain won't let me.

The words that I am longing to say, just won't come out.  I'll just nod in agreement with whoever it is just to shut them up and make them go and leave me alone.  My goodness, I am sounding so mature right now.  Isn't a married woman with 4 of her own kids supposed to be able to speak her mind and not take any crap from anyone?  Aren't I supposed to be able to defend myself and not revert to feeling like a scared child?

Enough of that, I think those are issues for a whole different type of blog.  Back to the matter at hand!  There are so many pictures floating around cyberspace of fit, healthy women and I want to be one of them, I really do, but I think I realised while writing this post is that I don't need to look like this......

......all ripped and muscular.  I don't even need to be as hot as my BFF Jill (love her).

I just want to be healthy.  I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.  I just want to look decent, nice even, in the clothes I can buy from the rack in a normal clothes store.  I don't want to be plus-size anymore, just fit and healthy.

I would even settle for this......

NOT!
Ewwwwwwww!  Does anyone actually find this attractive?

Can someone please slap me in the face and then share your secrets with me......

• How do you get yourself out of a slump?  
• Do mini weight goals work for you?
• How do you prioritise your fitness / health goals?


 

Wordless Weekends - Believe in Yourself

Good morning sunshines :) 

Welcome to another (almost) wordless weekend with a focus on self-belief.  This topic is something that I have struggled with for many years, but the good news is that I am finally starting to believe in me.  It really can be a case of mind over matter.  Enjoy :)

 

 

 

"You cannot look after something that you hate"

While exploring Pinterest I came across this......

After pinning this to my motivation board I got to thinking about what it says.  I didn't just gloss over the meaning, I actually read it and re-read it a couple of times.  I finally realised that it does make sense and I think I finally understand something about myself.  

I have often wondered why I am so easily swayed by self-sabotage no matter how hard I try to do everything right.  I have been trying really hard to stay balanced with my food because I know that totally depriving myself of a sweet treat just leads to bingeing, but on the other hand, I also know that my sweet treat can lead to a binge anyway, because sometimes I just can't seem to stop myself.  

After really taking in the meaning of my new motivational picture I discovered the reason that self-sabotage and self-loathing are so easy for me.  It's because....."you cannot look after something that you hate."  It's simple really, especially when it's staring at you from the computer screen.  It's true as well.  I do hate my body.  I hate my husband touching me and although he says he doesn't care, I do, I care.  I don't understand how he can find me attractive when I look and feel so hideous. I don't even have a mirror in my bedroom because I can't stand to look at myself.

"You cannot look after something that you hate."  Is this why I just give up on myself so easily?  I really think that it is the reason, the answer I have been looking for.  Now, I just have to figure out what to do with myself.  I have been stuck in a rut for a while now and it is definitely time to get myself out of it.

I am over the self-loathing and sabotage and it's time to learn how to love myself instead of hating myself.  Hating myself is easy so I am going to challenge myself and go the other way.  Show myself some love and make time to be able to put more effort into my food preparation, because I know that is the key for me. 

A healthy balance is what I need and after reading one of my favourite blogs Happy or Hungry written by the gorgeous Lindsey about how she eats "about an 80/20 split, I’d say.  80 healthy, 20 treats!" This sounds like a great place to start.  I am not going to have treats everyday, but I am going to make up a food plan that includes them and that way I am hoping to avoid any food binges at all.

I have to remember that I do deserve to be happy and I do have to like myself so I want to look after myself and treat myself better.

Believing in Yourself

Believe In Yourself

Believe in yourself, in the power you have

to control your own life, day by day!

Believe in the strength that you have deep inside

and your faith will help show you the way!

Believe in tomorrow and what it will bring,

let a hopeful heart carry you through

For things will work out! If you trust and believe

there's NO LIMIT to what you can do!

-- Author Unknown

I found Believe in Yourself over on Dani's blog (TKD Chick Staying Skinny, a Battle to Keep the Weight Off! ) a while ago (June) and felt it was time to re-post.

It's a simple task and almost everyone can do it, but believing in myself is something that I have always struggled with.  I have a few ideas why, but I can't just pinpoint one thing.  I am working through the things that I think maybe the reasons, but believing in me is still hard.

The good news though, is that because of my bloggy friends who always provide support and encouragement I am starting to believe that my dreams will come true.  I will get to my goal weight, but most importantly, I will put my negative demons behind me (or maybe in a jar so I can keep an eye on them) and I WILL believe in myself.  

I used to believe in me so it is only a matter of time before I find that person again - I know she is hiding in a fat suit and it is slowly, very slowly disappearing and I know that once I find her again, the fat suit will be gone forever.

This post is really to say a big thank you to all of you out there who give me so much inspiration (whether you know it or not) and who help guide me to a healthier, happier lifestyle :)

So Long August, Bring on Spring :)

Well, winter is just about over which means my unmet August goals are over too.  I know I still have 5 days left, but I have been MIA for the past week because of a stupid hat that looks like this :

I was up early and dressed ready to get onto the treadmill then I came across the stupid hat lying in the doorway.  I bent over to pick it up and BAM, I got this shooting pain in my lower back and down the back of my legs.  I couldn't get up and ended up on the floor until someone decided to help me.

I have been to the doctors and they said that my back muscles are all "puffy and inflamed"  I was given some tablets and a round of acupuncture which has helped a little and I have to go back on Tuesday for another round with more needles and a longer session.

I knew the second I hurt myself that I wasn't going to be able to complete my August goals of 50 kms and 1000 mins of cardio and because there is no use crying over what can not be controlled I have moved on and set myself some new goals for Spring.   My aim is to complete 5ks a day in September, it's a big ask, but I know I can do it if I believe I can and put my mind to it.  I also know that if I can complete the 5ks a day goal then I will easily complete 1000 mins of cardio - the 2 go hand in hand very nicely.   Bring on spring -I am ready :)

Bring on Spring

I love the pink cherry blossoms that have already been blooming for 3 weeks, it's nice to see some some flowers covering the trees that have been bare for so long.