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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Before (716 lbs) After

I have recently been watching Ruby on TV (Style Network) and I have found it so much more relevant than the first time I saw it. I suppose I didn't really see myself as a food addict before, but now I can see it. When they talk about their addiction and needing to recover from it just like any other addict (drugs, alcohol), I am now starting to see that that's me!

It's actually scary to think that I have become all the things I don't like about someone close to me and although mine is food instead of alcohol, my food choices are affecting other people in my life. At this moment and with this revelation, I am feeling so ashamed of myself. I feel disgusted and embarrassed that I have caused other people to feel badly because of my weight problems. I actually hate myself at the moment and it's a very different hate. It's not the usual self-loathing and hate of my weight it is a very real hate of me as a person.

I don't feel like I am a good, nice or kind person and I can't stand the fact that I have hurt people because of my bad food choices. They have been my choices and mine alone, no one has ever forced me to have second or third helpings of anything, that was my decision. No one has ever forced me to eat rubbish (chocolate, chips etc) that again was my decision! So why, I ask myself, have others in my life who I love, had to put up with me and my terrible decisions???????

One thing I have learned from watching Ruby is that this food addiction is a disease and that I have to make the decision myself, not anyone else, me, I have to decide to step over the line, to get better. I have thought that maybe it shouldn't be called weightloss, that maybe it should be called recovery. I know now that I am my problem, it is all my fault, but what I still need to figure out is why I have this problem.

My problem began when I was 13, but it wasn't overeating is was anorexia and bulimia which didn't stop until I began overeating when I was pregnant with my first child at 28. I just started eating and even after he was born, I didn't stop, I just kept going and I don't know why. I don't really know what triggered any of my food disorders, but they are definitely there and I need to do something about them!

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