Blah, Blah, Blah.....

It's Monday, my rest day and what do I do, I rest!  Isn't that what you are supposed to do on a rest day?? Well, yes, it is, BUT why am I resting on a rest day when I haven't done any exercise for 2 weeks????????? 

Why?  Because I am feeling like a big, fat, lazy pog.  Look, here's a picture of me.......

walking the dog

Watching TV

Then for some unknown reason, I feel like this.....

Hahahaha, I can't believe I said unknown reason!  Of course I know the reason.  I'm the reason!  I seem to have become one of those people that complains about being fat and doing nothing about it.

such good advice

I hate being fat and unable to do simple things like go shopping without having to go to the "big" stores to buy a pair of pants or a top, so why do I continue to self-sabotage my efforts by eating crap and being lazy? I have no excuse and even if I did, it would be stupid and suck.  There really are no excuses.

"Don't complain  about being fat if you're not willing to do anything about it!"  I am willing and I go well for a while, lose a few kilos and then stop, just stop.  I totally don't understand myself, this is how I feel at the moment......

I actually feel like this sometimes.  I know what I need to do, I know how to do it, but I just don't.  It's like my brain just shuts down and I feel as though I can't get it to start again.  My journey is very, very mental (in all senses of the word), but what I mean is that I love to exercise. 

Exercising makes me feel so good.  I feel great after working out, I'm on a high, life is great etc. so why wouldn't I want to feel like that, really good, great even, all of the time?  I can't work it out! 

Is it because although I am 18 kg down, I still have 30+ kg to go?  Am I finding the whole number thing a lot more daunting than I thought I did?  Is it because I have such low self-esteem and self-belief that I am telling myself that I am going to fail so why bother?  Do I need to break my goals down into 5 kilo lots or maybe even 5 lb (2.268 kg) lots?  Maybe it's a combination of everything - it has to be I suppose, cause all these feelings don't just appear from nowhere, they must already be lurking in the back of my mind.

I'm actually very good at suppressing issues and pretending they don't exist, but lately I am starting to think that maybe I am eating these issues rather than suppressing them.  Not so good at hiding from them as I thought I was!  I'm not confrontational, I never have been.  I was the "perfect" child.  I never spoke back to my parents (or anyone for that matter), I just did what I was told even if I didn't want to.  I was 21 before I ever told my mum off and of course I felt like crap afterwards even though I knew she deserved it.

If there ever was a confrontation I would (and still do) just shut down.  I have all these thoughts racing through my mind and I often want to yell in, or punch the person's face, but I don't.  I just take it!  I don't say a word.  I know this may sound weird, odd and strange, but I physically can't say anything.  It's like my brain won't let me.

The words that I am longing to say, just won't come out.  I'll just nod in agreement with whoever it is just to shut them up and make them go and leave me alone.  My goodness, I am sounding so mature right now.  Isn't a married woman with 4 of her own kids supposed to be able to speak her mind and not take any crap from anyone?  Aren't I supposed to be able to defend myself and not revert to feeling like a scared child?

Enough of that, I think those are issues for a whole different type of blog.  Back to the matter at hand!  There are so many pictures floating around cyberspace of fit, healthy women and I want to be one of them, I really do, but I think I realised while writing this post is that I don't need to look like this......

......all ripped and muscular.  I don't even need to be as hot as my BFF Jill (love her).

I just want to be healthy.  I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.  I just want to look decent, nice even, in the clothes I can buy from the rack in a normal clothes store.  I don't want to be plus-size anymore, just fit and healthy.

I would even settle for this......

NOT!
Ewwwwwwww!  Does anyone actually find this attractive?

Can someone please slap me in the face and then share your secrets with me......

• How do you get yourself out of a slump?  
• Do mini weight goals work for you?
• How do you prioritise your fitness / health goals?


 

A little Too Ambitious

Earlier this week I gave myself the goal of losing 1.3 kilos and as it is 2 days to weigh-in and my weight is still the same, it is pretty safe to say that I will be lucky to lose 300 grams.  I thought I had my head back where it needed to be, but unfortunately, I was wrong.  My head is still here......

rather than where I would like it to be..........

I want to get back to enjoying exercise.  I was at the point where I looked forward to getting up at 5 am to go swimming, it was actually becoming routine, a normal part of my daily life and then I let someone ruin it for me.  I hate myself at the moment.  

I hate myself because I let someone make me feel bad about myself.  I let someone make me feel utterly useless and worthless.  I let someone make me doubt myself, my abilities and what I am actually capable of.  I let them, I did it.  By letting someone else make me judge and doubt my worth, I have let myself down.   

The good news though, is that I am aware of it (this time),  I am understanding how and why I am feeling the way I am.  The best news though, is that I know it's not true.  I know now that I am worth feeling good about myself and that my life is worth more than a Tim Tam or Crunchie mmmmmm Crunchie.  I know what I have to do to change myself and my life.  This time last year I would have just given up on everything and gone back to over 115 kilos, but NOT this time.

This time I know how to deal with and beat these negative feelings I am having.  I have been a little slow getting back into the swing of things, but I have devised a new exercise routine which has gotten me a little excited to start again.  I have an early morning swim planned tomorrow, followed by the dreaded 30 Day Shred with Jill (my BFF).  I have done level 1 before, so I know I can do it. 

Tomorrow is my day!

How do you get yourself out of a fitness rut.......

• Do you sit and wallow for a few months or more?
• Do you eat whatever your heart desires?
• Do you try and kick yourself in the butt and get moving again as soon as possible?

 

Good Start to the Year!

I would like to say it's been a great start to 2012, but so far it has only been good.  I managed to get in a swim on Sunday (New Years day), but only because it was so hot we decided to take the kids to the pool after Alski finished work.  I secretly packed my cap and goggles and put them on once I got into the pool.  

Fart Face Alan said "WTF are you wearing?" I just told him I was going to do some laps.  This is huge progress for me cause usually I would just forget about the workout and hang out in the pool playing with the kids.  It is so liberating not caring what anyone thinks I look like at the pool.  I was so self-conscience about it, even in my board shorts, but now I don't worry at all.  I'm not the fattest person in the world or at the pool, but by the 1st of October 2012, I will be one of the healthiest at the pool.

I am saying October 1 cause that is the goal I have set for myself.  If it takes a little longer, say December 1 then that is fine, but I am pushing myself (not too hard, don't want to burn out) and I am going to hit my goal weight this year.  October 1 is 41 weeks away and I think (must use positive language) know I can do it.

*Weigh-in*

Again, another reason I said good start to the year is because I gained 700 grams this week.  Although it is a gain, I don't really mind considering Christmas and New Years were both in that week.  In a way it is sort of a good thing knowing that the gain was only 700 grams.  In previous years it would have been so much worse, such as 2008.  I was going really well with my weight loss and I was down 30 kilos (66 lbs) then Christmas hit.  I had Christmas day, Christmas week, Christmas month all the way to June and BAM, I was 20 kilos (44 lbs) heavier - not bad eatin' oink, oink.

I don't do that anymore, so a 700 gram gain is rather pleasing, plus I am back on track straight away.  I am never waiting till June to get back on track again.  I have to keep remembering that......

 

 I have that desire :)

Swimming is Not Exercise..........

...Well of course it's exercise, it's fabulous exercise.  I absolutely love swimming and I had forgotten just how much I loved it until this morning.

I made up my mind yesterday that I would go swimming this morning.  I've been thinking about it since last Friday when I was reading My Journey - Am I There Yet? Me, who is the author of that blog has a knee injury, which got me thinking about the pool.  Not only is swimming great for cardio, but it relieves so much pressure from the joints especially if you do have an injury.

This is where I went, sort of

I used the indoor pool which was full of people.  There was a teenage swimming squad, which took up 2 lanes, an Aqua Play area which took up another 2 lanes and then there were 4 lanes open for lap swimming - Fast, Fast, Medium and Slow.

The Aqua Play area was full of older ladies and gentlemen who were chatting while walking up and down the pool lanes.  I on the other hand, jumped straight into the slow lane.  It's been years since I've swum laps and my fitness has dropped again since the flu, which turned into a chest infection that is just about gone now, so the slow lane it was.  

My lane of choice was okay for a little while, but I eventually moved to another lane.  It turned out that I was way too fast for the slow lane, but it's really not that hard to swim faster than an eighty year old man doing dog paddle.  Once the squad swimming finished, 2 more lanes opened up for lap swimmers which I was really thankful for as the lane I was in was getting a little crowded.  I ended up in a fast lane, but that's because there was no one else in it.

I don't really know how far I swam or how many laps I did, but I think it was a little over 1 km.  I lost count after about 25 laps and then I just swam till it was time to go home.  Hubby had to get ready for work and I had to feed the kids, but I did end up swimming for just over an hour.  According to my Fat Secret account, I burned 571 calories in this mornings session.  I entered in 30 mins slow swimming and 30 mins moderate swimming.  Once I went into the fast lane, I had to step up the pace a little, but I didn't mind, I loved it. I didn't realise how much I missed my swimming.  I honestly loved every single second of it and it didn't even feel like I was working out.  I was just enjoying the peace and quiet of the water. 

I am positive I will be getting back in the pool later this week and am even considering a membership at the Leisure Center.  I was really self-conscience at first about wearing swimmers in public, but I reminded myself that I was there for me, to enjoy my workout and that I really didn't care what anyone else thought I looked like.  I decided that I should congratulate myself for getting out of bed and getting to the pool rather than deflating what self-esteem I have left by worrying about what I look like in my swimmers.   Once I gave myself praise rather than self-loathing, I felt my attitude shift and I wasn't scared or worried anymore, I felt really good and that's a feeling I wouldn't mind hanging onto. 

Feeling Like Kimmy

Kimmy talking about her wedding to Bretty :

"If I had of known the flowers and dinners out every night were going to stop, I never would've done it"

"When are ya comin' home Kim?...........I can't use the washin' machine"

*Kitchen Fun*

Well, yesterday I was feeling bored very creative so I decided to make something using all the seedy type things I could find in my kitchen and I came up with Choconut Seed Bites.  It was a success and failure all rolled into one.  They didn't turn out exactly as I expected, but they weren't revolting either. 

Choconut Seed Bites (2 pro points each)

My bites were actually supposed to be muffins, but they were a little flat.  I did use self raising flour, but I was thinking that some bi-carb soda may give them a bit of a lift??  Because these weren't a complete disaster and I do like them, I am definitely going to make them again with a couple of tweaks.  A bit more of a chocolate flavour is needed so I am thinking some chocolate essence, maybe?

This is how my masterpiece bites were created :

• 1 cup Wholemeal Self Raising Flour
• 1 tbs Cocoa Powder
• 20g Sunflower Kernels (Seeds)
• 20g Shredded Coconut
• 15g Slivered Almonds
• 10g Brown Flax Seeds
• 10g Black Chia Seeds
• 250ml Coconut Water
• Liquid Sweetener (equivalent to 1 tbs of sugar)
• 1/4 tsp Xanthan Gum 
• I used the gum cause the batter was a little thin after adding the water

Simply combine all the ingredients, you can even use a bowl if you like, mix together well and then spoon into a greased muffin pan - makes 12.  I baked mine on 150c for just under 15 mins.

****I have a strange oven - I cook everything on 150c and always, always for less time that you are supposed to cook it for.  Eg. if the recipe says to cook for 20 mins, I check it at 10 mins and maybe cook for another 5 mins*****

*Exciting News*

Baby number 5 is on the way!! Only kidding, the exciting news is that I tracked all of my food yesterday and I counted all of the points!!  I can not remember the last time I tracked 'n' counted and the surprising thing is that it was e-a-s-y.

Breakfast - 6 pro points

• 1 pro point - coffee
• 5 pro points - 40g cereal + 1/2 cup skim milk

Lunch - 7 pro points

• 5 pro points - Mini Pizza
• 2 pro points - 3 egg whites on side

 

The Mini Spinach & Mushroom Pizza was soooo good :

• 1 Herb & Garlic mini Pita (3 PPs) 
• A dob of Dolmio Classic Tomato Sauce (0 points)
• 6 baby spinach leaves (0 points)
• 1 chopped mushroom (0 points)
• 20g of tasty cheese (2 PPs)

On the side :

• 3 egg whites (cooked obviously) (2 PPs)
• 1 mushroom (0 points)

Dinner - 7 pro points

• Dinner Salad

• 1/2 medium avocado (4 PPs)
• 1 boiled egg (2 PPs)
• 20 grams of grated Haloumi Cheese (1 PP)
• Lettuce, carrot, cucumber, capsicum, beetroot, tomato (0 points)

That is not all I ate yesterday, but those are my main meals.  Just tracking and counting for 1 day has made me feel so good.  I think it's because I proved to myself that I can do it, that I actually accomplished something!

I don't think I will ever make a pizza with just tomato paste again - the Dolmio sauce on the base made a huge difference.  In fact, the difference with the sauce made such a huge impact on me that I even told crapolla face my husband about it.  He has no interest at all in my lunch, but I made him sit through a detailed description anyway - just for fun!  Fun for me that is :)

Believing in Yourself

Believe In Yourself

Believe in yourself, in the power you have

to control your own life, day by day!

Believe in the strength that you have deep inside

and your faith will help show you the way!

Believe in tomorrow and what it will bring,

let a hopeful heart carry you through

For things will work out! If you trust and believe

there's NO LIMIT to what you can do!

-- Author Unknown

I found Believe in Yourself over on Dani's blog (TKD Chick Staying Skinny, a Battle to Keep the Weight Off! ) a while ago (June) and felt it was time to re-post.

It's a simple task and almost everyone can do it, but believing in myself is something that I have always struggled with.  I have a few ideas why, but I can't just pinpoint one thing.  I am working through the things that I think maybe the reasons, but believing in me is still hard.

The good news though, is that because of my bloggy friends who always provide support and encouragement I am starting to believe that my dreams will come true.  I will get to my goal weight, but most importantly, I will put my negative demons behind me (or maybe in a jar so I can keep an eye on them) and I WILL believe in myself.  

I used to believe in me so it is only a matter of time before I find that person again - I know she is hiding in a fat suit and it is slowly, very slowly disappearing and I know that once I find her again, the fat suit will be gone forever.

This post is really to say a big thank you to all of you out there who give me so much inspiration (whether you know it or not) and who help guide me to a healthier, happier lifestyle :)

Drab 2 Fab - feeling better about myself

While exploring blogs this morning, I came across a post by Lucy at Diminishing Lucy called Drab 2 Fab. The basic theme of Drab 2 Fab is about making choices to treat ourselves better -

"If we aim to treat ourselves well, to nurture ourselves, to treat ourselves kindly, we can feel fab, instead of drab."

"It's about renewal. About taking care of yourself, in whatever form that takes."

I love the idea of Drab 2 Fab and although it doesn't have to be weight related, I am pretty positive that most of my changes to myself in the quest for treating myself better will have something to do with my weight.

Sadly, I don't do my hair or make-up very often because I don't feel that I deserve to. I don't feel like I deserve to look nice because I am fat. I feel that no matter what I do or wear, I tell myself that it never looks good anyway so why bother. This is going to be the first change I make in the way that I treat myself.

I always feel a lot better about myself when I do make an effort with my hair and face so I have decided to do it more often. Every time we leave the house, whether it's to go grocery shopping, clothes shopping or just taking the kids to the park, I am going to make a conscious effort to spend some time on my appearance.

If I feel better about myself with this small change, then I am hoping it will ignite my desire to continue strongly on my restart journey and get me to goal.

The Comparison Trap

I follow a Blog called Peanut Butter Fingers. It is written by a beautiful young woman named Julie. It is all about her healthy and full of exercise daily life with her husband and gorgeous dog Sadie (pictured above - look at that face).

A week or so ago, Julie wrote an amazing post called The Comparison Trap. I just loved it so much that I thought it was worth sharing with as many people as I could. Just click on the link to be taken straight there.

I hope you enjoy reading Julie's blog as much as I do.

My Lenten Promise!

For Lent I had decided to give up sugar and since I have a NO Chocolate challenge going I thought my Lenten promise would mesh nicely with my chocolate (or lack of) challenge. Then I realised that I am already making, what would have been a huge sacrifice for me 6 months ago, by giving up chocolate for months at a time and only allowing myself to eat it on special days - Christmas, Easter and any birthdays that pop up in between.

I thought that if I totally deprive myself of any treats that I will go crazy and no doubt, have a huge binge on all the wrong foods including the chocolate and I have been going so well on the no chocolate challenge that I don't want to ruin it - can't wait for Easter though.

Also I realised that giving up sugar isn't going to make me a better person, it may make me a little thinner, but not better so I have decided to keep my sugar and change my Lenten promise. I am going to be more tolerant of family, more patient with hubby and the kids and I am even going to try and be nice to myself and work on my self-esteem.

I think this is a much better Lenten promise to myself.

Chocolate Challenge

I have decided to give myself a NO chocolate challenge till Christmas. This is mainly because I know that on Christmas day I will definitely be cracking open the scorched almonds. Scorched almonds on Christmas day is my tradition, it is the only time of the year that I have them, well 2 days to be exact - Christmas day and Boxing day. I am giving myself this challenge because I really want to enjoy my almonds, I don't just want to scoff them down because it is Christmas. I want to learn to savour my treats and look forward to them not to mention how swearing off chocolate for the next couple of months will help greatly towards my weight loss.

I am also hoping to lose 10 kilos by Christmas day. There is 11 weigh-ins left until then and I am prepared to give it my all. If giving up chocolate completely for the next 11 weeks means meeting my 10 kilo goal, then I will do it. If I have to go to the gym everyday and work my butt off, then I will do it. If it means never having another softdrink again, then I will do it. I am determined and willing to do whatever it takes to reach my ultimate goal.

I am sick of being morbidly obese and I don't just want to lose weight to be just obese. I want to be in the healthy weight range. I want to have a healthy BMI. I have been battling with my weight for several years now - since my first child was born 11 years ago. I have lost the weight, then gained, then lost again and gained even more but this time something feels different. I think, well actually, I know that this time I really do BELIEVE in myself, I finally believe that I CAN do this, I believe that I WILL do this. My self belief is what has been missing in my success or lack of success. I have learned through this blog and through reading so many other blogs, stories and successes that it is essential for me to believe in ME. It is something that I have never done before so it is a strange concept for me. One thing I want even more than reaching goal, which goes hand in hand with reaching my goal weight is my self-esteem. I want my self-esteem back.

I really don't have any self-esteem, courage or self worth and I haven't for a very long time and this makes me very sad. I am actually too embarrassed to eat in public because of my size and I hate this feeling, I hate the way it makes me feel and I don't want to feel this way anymore. I am sooooo over being fat and miserable. It is time for me to take control of my life (and food) once and for all and I will do whatever I need to do to make this happen.

I did my hair!

We (me, kids & hubby) had to go out the other day and normally I would just throw my hair up in a pony tail and leave it like that - it's my usual hair style. I decided that because I had a spare few minutes I would go to a little extra effort which is something I haven't done in ages. I mean it wasn't fantastic like out of a magazine or anything, but I ran a moisturising mousse through my hair which gets rid of all the dry frizzy stuff and I used a hair clip to just hold my fringe out of my face and then left the rest down. Like I said before it wasn't award winning stuff, but it really made me feel better about myself. It's amazing what a different hair style can make in regards to my self esteem, I should probably try it a bit more often.

I am really looking forward to getting to goal and even though I know it's a long way off - at least a year, but I now know that there are other little things I can do until goal to make myself feel better about me - how I look, how I feel and even how I think.