Where has my Wagon gone?

Well I thought I was back on the wagon, but it seems to be missing again. I just can't find it, maybe the kids took it out the back and buried it :0

I keep wanting this instead of this!!!!

I just don't know what is wrong with me lately. I was doing OK and just maintaining even though I know that I still have a ton of weight to lose and that just maintaining is no where near good enough, but the last week or so I have just totally lost the plot no matter how hard I try not to. I have my weigh-in tomorrow and had a sneak peak this morning and it went something like this :

I just decided that instead of stressing about it and beating myself up for weeks that I am just going to wear it. I have no one to blame but myself and I am going to use it as a learning curve. I have also decided that :

This week I DON'T...........

• eat white bread
• eat take away
• eat ice-cream
• drink soft drinks (of any kind)

But I WILL..........

• write an exercise plan and DO THEM!
• write a food plan
  
• track all of my food
  

These are the things I will be giving up for the week. I have always found that when I challenge myself to focus on a few things each week, my losses are much better, well, at least they exist those weeks.

I am also going over to PBF to re-read Julie's Healthy Living tips -

"Here’s the good news: You don’t have to flip a switch and change dramatically over night. Your new healthy life begins today, and you can work on perfecting your healthy lifestyle forever!"

I find that this post always helps me to get my head back in the right direction. I will also be going to Bitch Cakes blog and going through some of her old posts. I love reading about Sheryl's triumphs and failures because she knows what it's like to slip up (more than once) and she always has great advice on how to get back on track as well. She has written a great blog on self-image today which I found has helped as well -

"If we have stretch marks and cellulite, we will probably always have them. Even at goal weight. So I think the first thing we need to do is understand that and have realistic expectations. Because all we can do is eat better and move more; but we have little to no control over what our bodies will look like as a result of that work."

"You may not be able to change certain aspects of your physical self, but you *can* change the way you think about them and accept them, at least eventually. But just like everything else, you will only get there if you begin to work on making that change. And just like everything else - you can do it, you can make that change. If you believe you can. So believe. And do it! Your body is amazing and you need to see that - even if you don't see it in the mirror. Yet."

I am off to do some reading! Amazingly, I think the bad indoor weather has really tired the kids out and the 3 of them are asleep on the lounge. When I say bad weather, I mean as I am typing this it is hailing and really cold, I wouldn't be surprised if we got snow in Melbourne this winter!

The Mother's Day Classic Fun Run

I have finally done a Fun Run - the Mother's Day Classic 2011 4km Run. I know for a lot of people out there 4 kms isn't very far, but for me it is a very long way to run and I did it. I even beat my own PB (with a bathroom stop). I completed the course in just under 32 mins - I know I'm slow, but I'm only working on distance at the moment and I will worry about speed later. I am pretty sure there are no Olympic Games in my running future so I am learning to run for me and for fun.

I don't just want my life to be about weight loss anymore. I read a fantastic guest post from Janae (The Hungry Runner Girl) called Finding your Workout Motivation over at Peanut Butter Fingers (Julie is in Europe for 13 days and has a guest post everyday while she is away). Janae summed it up perfectly :

"Remember that working out isn’t just about burning calories and losing weight (I used to workout for that reason only and I dreaded it). Exercise for your mental health, to do something positive for yourself, to take care of your body, to ward off disease and sickness, to improve your confidence and build relationships."

This is what I want to be able to do - I was starting to become overwhelmed with just the weight loss, my whole life started to revolve around my weight - what I could and couldn't eat. I was left feeling demotivated and deprived most of the time, but since incorporating a running aspect into my life (as slow as I may be) it is starting to help me spread the focus and hopefully help me find the balance I am looking for.

*Fun Run*

It was cold to start with, it was around 11 degrees C, maybe less. I found the first 100 ms or so a little tough and was wondering why I was putting myself through this and then I thought of Sheryl over at Bitch Cakes who does Fun Runs in the snow, like the Grid Iron 4 mile Run - what was I complaining about? Once I warmed up a little more, I felt a lot better about the whole thing.

I was crusing along pretty well, when I hit a massive hill, I knew there was a hill, but I didn't know how big it was, I almost died when I saw it. I slowed down to a shuffle (not on purpose either) and just pushed myself to make it up the hill. About half way up, I just wanted to give up, but I thought of Sammy over at Happy Family, Healthy Family and how she was running the same race (in a different State) and she was running twice my distance. I just kept telling myself that Sammy was "running the 8 kms so the least I could do was finish the 4 kms". This seemed to work and finally I made it to the top and the good news is, it was all down hill from there.

I felt great when I saw the 3k sign and I thought "great only 1k to go", but a little later I saw another 3k sign, I was a little deflated and confused, but just kept going. I even managed to pick up some speed and started over taking a few people who I had seen fly past me earlier. It was such a great feeling seeing that finish line up ahead and hearing everyone cheering.

I couldn't see my husband or kids, but he found me a little later, after returning my timing chip and collecting my showbag full of goodies and took a photo of me. He said that I had "run past too fast to get a photo" crossing over the line - I laughed, imagine me running too fast. He also said that he was "very proud" of me.

#3 Run outside - not just on a treadmill

Part of #36 - 1 of 10 Fun Runs

I felt wonderful when I finished. I understand what my husband means now when he says that "your clothes don't help you". Shocking isn't it? That shirt is actually 3 sizes too big for me now (it's a 24) - I bought it when I first started working out and I had no idea how big they were on me, they actually make me look bigger than I am, no wonder I don't "see it".

Here are my HRM results for the run :

Sunday, 8 May 2011

• 31.53 mins
  
• 407 calories
• 178 - avg. HR
• 229 - max. HR
• 2.39 mins in zone

My heart rate is pretty high, but I think it may have been because I was a little nervous about the whole run. When I checked my HRM to make sure it was working properly, my resting heart rate was 94, so it was already high before I started the run.

I hope everyone had an amazing Mother's Day!

Tracking, Tracking and........Tracking!!

Why is tracking so hard for me???

It is the hardest part of my weight loss journey. I have never really understood why tracking is so hard for me when it really is as easy as writing a list.

I like writing lists - I write them all the time for shopping or reminding me of things that I need to do. If I don't write things down and make lists I forget what needs doing or buying from the supermarket. So WHY, when it comes to tracking is it so hard for me? Why do I find it so difficult to list my foods and just WRITE them down?

Luckily for me Bitch Cakes has written a wonderful post on this exact same topic - Tracking. She has made some wonderful realisations of her own about her tracking and has just spoken about tracking in general. As usual it has really helped me to see where I am going wrong with my tracking and forced myself to look at my reasons and ask myself the same questions.

Time for some Q & A :

• Why don't I track?

Not sure if it pure laziness or a form of denial, maybe a combination of both. I don't mind tracking the "good" foods, but I don't want to see the "bad" stuff - the stuff I've eaten out of frustration that I know I shouldn't have eaten and even at the time of consumption, I knew I shouldn't be eating it - what is wrong with me? Oooops, wrong spot, this should be another question for myself.

• Does it help me if I don't track?

No! It doesn't help me achieve my goals if I don't track.

• Do I lose (weight) when I track?

Yes! I do lose weight when I track. I need to track to lose the weight as I only tend to track the "good" foods, the foods that I should be eating. I don't like tracking the foods filled with sugar and other rubbish - denial.

• Why when I go over my points/calories do I just stop tracking?

It's denial - pure and simple! I hate having to look at the foods that have taken me over my daily allowances so I just don't write it down and I stop tracking altogether for the day.

• Why don't I FORCE myself to be accountable for the "wrong" things I have eaten?

I think it's just a way of denying that I ate that specific food and I don't want to have to look at it written on my list. The thing is though, I know that just because it's not written down for me to see it that doesn't mean that it doesn't have calories.

• What is wrong with me?

Denial is what is wrong with me. When I read back through my (rather pathetic) Q & A's to myself, there is one thing that pops up in each one - Denial. I simply don't like being accountable to all the bad food choices I make. As Bitch Cakes says (in short) - whatever "I choose to ingest are my choices, the least I can do is be accountable for them."

I know that for me to really change my life successfully in the ways that I want to, I need to be able to track every single thing that I eat. It needs to be automatic and needs to be done. I know that once I reach goal I will still have to continue to track what I eat.

If I got this big once but just eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and NOT being accountable for it, then it can just as easily happen again. This is for life, it's a life time change.

New Salad

I was going to have pasta for dinner tonight, but I needed my parmesan cheese to go with it and as I have run out and hubby had the car I went across the road to the fruit shop. My favourite fruit shop ever - they also have pastas, legumes and cheeses which is what I was after. They did have the parmesan, but unfortunately is was already grated and I just can't eat it like that. I don't know what it is, but the only parmesan I can eat is if I grate it myself - it's just some weird mental thing of mine, like the peaches. I love peaches but can't eat fresh ones because of the fuzz. Come to think of it, I have a few mental food things like that, I suppose that's why my friends always tell me I am "fussy" when it comes to food.

Anyway, when I couldn't get the parmesan I wanted I went for a feta cheese instead and decided to make a salad instead. Taking a leaf (or post) out of Bitch Cakes and Peanut Butter Fingers blogs, tonight I decided to capture my salad on film, this is something I don't normally do, but I come across a few blogs who always photograph their food and for some reason I find it interesting so I thought I would give it a go!!

The above picture is of my cutting board. I love my cow cutting board, it's the only one I use and I will be very upset when she has to retire.

Next is a picture of my salad ingredients :

Bean sprouts, mixed salad greens, cucumber, carrot, red capsicum and feta cheese.

After washing my salad greens,

I put them in a big salad bowl and added the sprouts, carrot, cucumber and capsicum.

I gave my salad a good mix,

Lastly I added my feta and mixed again.

The salad was nice, light, refreshing and enjoyable, but next time I think I may add some basil and pine nuts as well, just for a bit more flavour.

Fun Runs

As I mentioned in my last post (about 30 mins ago), I have been inspired by Bitch Cakes to try out some fun runs. I just love reading her Fitness Adventures! Her latest was the Gridiron Classic 4 mile run in Central Park and at the moment I can only dream about being able to run like she does, or any runner for that matter, but it is being able to actually see her adventures, through her many photos (2 attached - look at that snow), that I can see that my dream of becoming a runner isn't just a dream, but that it can come true and become a reality, just like Sheryl's (aka Bitch Cakes) did.

There are sooooo many fun runs on the internet it is really hard to choose which ones to do or not do. I did find a running club that caters for all fitness levels from beginners to advanced runners so I am thinking that may be the way for me to go. They have a fun run each month, so I was thinking about signing up for one in June or July and then do one a month until the big one in December, well big for me anyway - it's a 10k run. I would love to be able to do it and I am planning on being at my goal weight as well (This is MY year to reach goal) and I think if I start training now, I may be able to run the 5k in June and then work my way up (they have runs that are 6, 7 or 8k as well), to the 10k by December.

I am actually really excited about starting to train for my first fun run, well second one. I did a 5k last winter, but I only walked it. Like I said above, this is MY year. My year to shine, reach my goal weight and achieve anything I want to achieve - like running 10ks in December.

Thanks again Sheryl for the inspiration. Every time I look at your photo of you running in the snow I feel determined to prove to myself that I CAN achieve my goals.

Exercise Challenge - Days 2 & 3

So far so good on the challenge!! On Tuesday (day 2) I did my Step class followed by Pump and then I walked home. I even managed to cut 5 mins off my time as I did a jog / walk combination to see if I could get my heart rate up further and burn more calories, but it didn't appear to work. I will continue with the jog / walk combo as I would eventually like to be able to run the whole way home plus I am thinking of entering some fun runs as well thanks to the inspiration of Bitch Cakes.

A fun run sounds good and it will give me focus, something to strive for. Anyway days 2 & 3 looked like this :




Remembering that this challenge I have set for myself is that I have to go to the gym 6 days a week and workout for a minimum of 1 hour, I am doing ok so far. I am pretty sure I can continue doing these classes because I really enjoy them and I don't look at them as a chore. I actually look forward to going to the gym, the only thing I don't like is the heat that goes with it. Winter can't come fast enough for me.

3 Gains

Today's weigh-in was my 3rd gain in a row. I have been extremely slack in the exercise department, but WW is designed to work without the exercise and I haven't been going overboard with the food. They have all been smallish gains - 2oog, 500g, 200g again this morning totaling a 900 gram gain in the last 3 weeks which isn't huge, but really annoying.

Emotionally, I haven't been feeling the best lately and I think that is having a real effect on me and I actually believe that it is showing on the scales - I don't know if this is possible, in fact it's probably not, but at least it gives me a reason to cling to until I work out what is going on.

I have been going over all of my Propoints information to see if I can figure out where I am going wrong because I am obviously doing something wrong. I've gone from 21 points a day to 32 and now have an extra 49 for the week. Thanks to a wonderful lady from the WW boards I have realised that I don't have to eat the 49 weekly points (I am on-line only and sort of missed a bit of info somewhere along the line). I have also been told that if you are having trouble with the points (32) then just try and have a minimum of 29 and that we are not to eat, just to eat the points and I really believe that this is what I have been doing. I have been "overeating" just to get to 32 points and being a vego and not having meat, I have been adding more carbs to make up for that.

My blog is a mess and so far behind because I haven't done anything with it for a few weeks. I have been signing in and reading - I love reading the stories from other bloggers, like Bitch Cakes stair climb of the Empire State Building - how awesome would that be. She is in training........ See I know what everyone else is doing, just not me.

Back into this week. Missed the gym this morning cause I actually got a sleep in. I'm not too worried because my sleep-ins are very rare. Hubby entertained the kids till I got up which again is very rare.

Small Loss

Well, I weighed-in this morning to find a loss of 300 grams, now I know some people get a little disheartened with a small loss like this, but I have to say, I am NOT one of those people. I am really happy with my loss, the reason being is that a loss is a loss and no matter how big or small the loss, it is a step in the right direction, I am a little bit closer to my goal - small steps. I would much rather be 300 grams closer to goal than 300 grams further away from goal. Overall, a great weigh-in, especially considering I have been sick and not been to the gym since last Tuesday.

I was really hoping to get to the gym this morning as Sunday is the beginning of the week for me, but my chest infection is still taking its toll on me - physically, I just feel like absolute rubbish. Also, my youngest girl (2 years) was vomiting all night, first in her cot, stripped that, then in her sisters bed (her sister was in with me and hubby) so I stripped that bed. Then she was sick in my bed with me, hubby and her sister so we stripped that bed - running out of beds here. Anyway, I was up at 2 am stripping and remaking beds and washing quilts and sheets etc. In the end I ended up on the lounge with my sick baby girl, then around 4 am she vomited on my face and all through my hair so I had to have a shower and put another load of washing on. Then at around 6 am kids number 2 & 3 came downstairs and woke me and kid number 4 up. Later on after breakfast, which she ate and she was playing with the others so I thought she must be better, then all of a sudden she is standing beside me vomiting all over the floor and I followed a trail of vomit (yuk - I know) back to the lounge, the throws and cushions. I ended up bathing the 3 little ones mainly cause Holly was covered in vomit from head to toe, poor little thing, she was so upset. 

Anyway by this time child number 1 had arisen from his beauty sleep and him being the Angel he is ran the bath and watched his brother and sisters for me while I cleaned up the vomit trail. Eventually hubby got up and helped me bath the kids who are all sleeping now - thank the lord for peace and quiet. I never understood the phrase 'Silence is golden' until I had children.

Anyway, I feel as though I have had 10 mins sleep all night, I have a bad headache from lack of sleep and with the chest infection on top of all that, I just couldn't face the gym. They have a Farmer's Market once a month down the road from me and I really wanted to go today, but I couldn't even be bothered doing that. I may venture out later to Woolworths cause we need some food for dinner - I'm thinking Mexican. I luurrrrve Mexican food and after many years of practice, I can make myself a beautiful frijole burrito with guacamole and sour cream for 5 points. I often lightly toast it in the sandwich press and make more of a wrap out of it. I am still working on a low point nachos. If I made the chips out of tortillas I think that would help, but nachos is a favourite of mine and I don't like to mess with it too much. I can have it without the cheese so that saves a huge amount of points - maybe a sprinkling of parmesan?????

I have a thing about parmesan cheese at the moment, I can't get enough of it. I regularly have plain pasta - 100gms - 150gms of pasta depending on how hungry I am with a sprinkling (10 grams) of freshly grated parmesan cheese. A filling lunch that is fairly low in points and the carbs help give me energy for the gym. I am really trying not to eat carbs for dinner and have them in the morning and lunch only. I feel it is making a huge difference to the overall way that I eat.

I used to find that coming home from the gym and having a carbohydrate laden meal would make me feel bloated and uncomfortable, but since swapping my meals - dinner at lunch - I feel much lighter - I don't mean weight wise, although it is helping, but I don't have that full, stuffed feeling that makes me sluggish and sleepy. I feel satisfied, which is one thing that WW has been teaching us - don't stuff yourself, eat until you are satisfied. 

I love having a light meal at dinner and another incredible thing is that I am not starving in the morning. I think the way I have changed my meals around is a major thing for me to have learnt. I have been on WW for a while now and finally, some of it is sinking in. It's like Bitch Cakes says when talking about getting to goal and staying there - "Accept that it's a process and it's forever. Remind yourself that it needs to take time so you learn everything you need to learn. It *should* take time so you have the chance to build the healthy habits that will keep you there when you get there".

I just remembered that it's my SIL's birthday tomorrow so I need to organise something for that. I usually organise the cake for family and friends and I make sure I get something I don't like, now I know this probably sounds a little weird to some but everyone loves a torte - blackforest maybe?? I can't stand a torte especially blackforest so that would be the perfect cake for me to get as there is no temptation what so ever for me to have a piece. I think my weakness will be the soft drink. I have been following another blog and the lady in question has given up sugar in her coffee - that to me is champion material, now I don't drink coffee, but I do live for diet coke so I decided in honour of my non-sugar muse, to not have soft drink for a week which I acieved yesterday, but I decided to continue with my soft drink free challenge. I am up to day 8 today but I know there will be soft drink there tomorrow night, hopefully there will be no diet soft drink so I won't be tempted to have any, but if there is diet coke or pepsi max I don't know how I will hold out.

There is also a WW challenge of "giving something up" for the week so as well as attempting to again go without soft drink this week, I am also adding in bread. Now I know there are many people out there who don't agree with giving up carbs, but that is not what I am doing. I simply want to try and go a week without bread becaue this is a huge weakness of mine. It's not so much the bread itself, but the toppings that go with it, so if I don't have bread, I won't be able to have toast with lashings of hot melting butter swirling into the sweet raspberry jam as it all infuses together mmmmmmm, yum. I had better stop, I am making myself hungry. My peace is over - I can hear movement coming from upstairs, which means my Angels are awake, there goes the door so they are definitely on their way downstairs. Time to wake up hubby and go to the shops I think!!!

My small loss has turned into a long ramble so I do apologise to anyone reading who is in a hurry, but I just felt like typing today. Anyway I still have my third load of washing sitting in the machine, so I had better go and get that out and do what I need to do. I just got carried away with the peace and freedom to just sit and type.