Hello 5 kilos, Welcome to my Hips!

It's been a while and in my (blogging) absence I have gained a wonderful 5 kilos (11 lbs)! Wow, I am so excited about it because now I have to lose it allllllll oooooooverrrrrr againnnnnnnnn! I am such an idiot! I have got to STOP giving up!  I feel like this was made just for me......

I've had a bit of a rough time lately and how do I deal with it?  I stop!  I stopped caring about what I ate, it's been an all-round-non-stop binge fest with no exercise, not a squat or sit-up in sight.  Basically, I just stopped caring about myself.  The worst part of it all is that I knew I was putting weight back on, I could feel it on my body before I even stood on the scales, but I just kept going and going and going.

All those self-hating, negative feelings that I have worked so hard at getting rid of started flowing back so easily and that's when I decided to stop not caring.  I have gone back to Weight Watchers to make it all a little easier for me.  I like having a schedule to follow, I like to plan things and have lists and WW has a healthy check list for each day and I am looking forward to checking everything off of it every day.

I am glad I have access to the recipes again and I feel ready to focus.  I am such an emotional eater and all it causes me to do is sabotage any progress I have made.  I have also simplified my life by deleting most of my social networking sites - tumblr, instagram, daily mile, twitter and some others.  They were taking up too much time that should have been used elsewhere.  I came so, so close to deleting this blog too, but am very glad I decided against it, I do so much better when I am blogging here.  The bottom line is I don't want to feel like this anymore :)

Yes I can do it!  And I'm going to do it!

I have an end of year singing concert in December and I refuse to stand up on that stage in front of hundred's of people at my current weight.  I am already freaking out about having to get up on the stage, but I know I will feel a thousand times better about it if I have lost at least 10 - 15 kilos.  I am letting my singing be my motivation. 

Please share with me......

• Have you ever done something you were terrified of?
• if so, how did you calm yourself?
• How do you deal with unwanted weight gain?
• What is your main motivation to lose weight / get or stay healthy?

I made a Decision

I have quite a lot of stuff going on at home at the moment and have been having a really hard time getting to the pool and gym.  I'm facing a few obstacles which include a severe lack of motivation and the times which I am able to go to the gym (because of my type of membership), the kids and my husband's working hours.  Yesterday I made the decision to cancel my gym membership.

I think I have been putting too much pressure on myself lately and it has been making me feel like I have 10,000 people in my face always wanting something.  I'm trying to be the best mother and wife I can be while trying to fit my health in as well, but lately I have been coming last again.  Constantly putting myself last all the time is part of the reason I ended up at 115.2 kg (253 lb), I don't want to go back there.

I think I have given up a little because of the expectations I put on myself.  Apart from all the home duties that need to be done I've been stressing about not going to the gym.  I feel like I have to go and when I don't get there I feel so awful and ashamed of myself.  I seem to be stuck on a negative round-a-bout of "oh well, I didn't get to the gym yesterday so it doesn't matter if I don't go again today, what's another day anyway?"

Everything just feels heavy, like there is so much to do and that something has to be pushed to the side for me to get through each day and the only thing I can see that can be left out is me.  I've been uming and ahing about my gym membership for a few days now and the second I made the decision to cancel it I felt a huge release, I felt different, better!

I'm not going to stop working on my goals, this journey is too important to me.  I still have my treadmill, plenty of workout DVD's and the hubby and I both got bikes yesterday.  I have plenty to keep me busy, but the pressure of having to get to the gym between this time and this time is over.  

However, at the risk of sounding like a complete loony, I am considering joining another gym near me, that is open 24 hours (and it's only $9.95 a week).  It's not a fancy schmancy gym and group exercise classes are extra, but I really only wanted the gym for the weights anyway.  Another great thing about the 24 hrs is that after the kids are in bed, the dishes are done and house tidied up (for the millionth time that day) instead of me crawling into bed to watch TV, I can go and workout instead.  Not having the time constraints and having to squeeze everything in would really make a difference.  

I still have a few weeks paid up front on my other membership so that will give me time to consider joining the 24 hour gym.

Please share with me......

• Do you ever feel as though you are stretched too far?  
• How do you get back to feeling normal again?
• How often (if at all) do you put yourself last?

 

Blah, Blah, Blah.....

It's Monday, my rest day and what do I do, I rest!  Isn't that what you are supposed to do on a rest day?? Well, yes, it is, BUT why am I resting on a rest day when I haven't done any exercise for 2 weeks????????? 

Why?  Because I am feeling like a big, fat, lazy pog.  Look, here's a picture of me.......

walking the dog

Watching TV

Then for some unknown reason, I feel like this.....

Hahahaha, I can't believe I said unknown reason!  Of course I know the reason.  I'm the reason!  I seem to have become one of those people that complains about being fat and doing nothing about it.

such good advice

I hate being fat and unable to do simple things like go shopping without having to go to the "big" stores to buy a pair of pants or a top, so why do I continue to self-sabotage my efforts by eating crap and being lazy? I have no excuse and even if I did, it would be stupid and suck.  There really are no excuses.

"Don't complain  about being fat if you're not willing to do anything about it!"  I am willing and I go well for a while, lose a few kilos and then stop, just stop.  I totally don't understand myself, this is how I feel at the moment......

I actually feel like this sometimes.  I know what I need to do, I know how to do it, but I just don't.  It's like my brain just shuts down and I feel as though I can't get it to start again.  My journey is very, very mental (in all senses of the word), but what I mean is that I love to exercise. 

Exercising makes me feel so good.  I feel great after working out, I'm on a high, life is great etc. so why wouldn't I want to feel like that, really good, great even, all of the time?  I can't work it out! 

Is it because although I am 18 kg down, I still have 30+ kg to go?  Am I finding the whole number thing a lot more daunting than I thought I did?  Is it because I have such low self-esteem and self-belief that I am telling myself that I am going to fail so why bother?  Do I need to break my goals down into 5 kilo lots or maybe even 5 lb (2.268 kg) lots?  Maybe it's a combination of everything - it has to be I suppose, cause all these feelings don't just appear from nowhere, they must already be lurking in the back of my mind.

I'm actually very good at suppressing issues and pretending they don't exist, but lately I am starting to think that maybe I am eating these issues rather than suppressing them.  Not so good at hiding from them as I thought I was!  I'm not confrontational, I never have been.  I was the "perfect" child.  I never spoke back to my parents (or anyone for that matter), I just did what I was told even if I didn't want to.  I was 21 before I ever told my mum off and of course I felt like crap afterwards even though I knew she deserved it.

If there ever was a confrontation I would (and still do) just shut down.  I have all these thoughts racing through my mind and I often want to yell in, or punch the person's face, but I don't.  I just take it!  I don't say a word.  I know this may sound weird, odd and strange, but I physically can't say anything.  It's like my brain won't let me.

The words that I am longing to say, just won't come out.  I'll just nod in agreement with whoever it is just to shut them up and make them go and leave me alone.  My goodness, I am sounding so mature right now.  Isn't a married woman with 4 of her own kids supposed to be able to speak her mind and not take any crap from anyone?  Aren't I supposed to be able to defend myself and not revert to feeling like a scared child?

Enough of that, I think those are issues for a whole different type of blog.  Back to the matter at hand!  There are so many pictures floating around cyberspace of fit, healthy women and I want to be one of them, I really do, but I think I realised while writing this post is that I don't need to look like this......

......all ripped and muscular.  I don't even need to be as hot as my BFF Jill (love her).

I just want to be healthy.  I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.  I just want to look decent, nice even, in the clothes I can buy from the rack in a normal clothes store.  I don't want to be plus-size anymore, just fit and healthy.

I would even settle for this......

NOT!
Ewwwwwwww!  Does anyone actually find this attractive?

Can someone please slap me in the face and then share your secrets with me......

• How do you get yourself out of a slump?  
• Do mini weight goals work for you?
• How do you prioritise your fitness / health goals?


 

Wordless Weekends ~ Don't Give Up

Happy Saturday! 

Don't you just love the weekends?  I do!  No school run, no making 5,000 lunches, not feeling like I've been driving here, there and everywhere all day long.  The weekends are great for just taking it easy and relaxing.  In light of my relaxing theme for the weekend, I leave you with a fairly wordless post about not giving up and sticking to your dreams and goals.  Enjoy :)

 

 

 

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Flexibility is the Key to my Success

As the title says, flexibility is the key, I mean who wouldn't want to be able to pick up a ball with their feet?

Look mum!  No hands!

No, not really.  I don't need to be picking up objects using body parts other than my hands while bending my body into the letter C.  I'm talking about my new, healthy life routine.  I need to be flexible about the whole thing.  

I love to follow a structured regime.  All I have to do is read what is on the program, list, schedule or whatever I use to write down my plans and goals for the week and that is that.  It's all or nothing as far as what is written on the paper goes.  I'm a creature of habit and like to do things the same way all the time, but I discovered this morning that being so rigid when it comes to becoming the healthy person I want to be is actually having a detrimental effect on my journey.

This morning is the perfect example of what I am talking about.  This morning I was supposed to go swimming, I was even looking forward to it.  I got all my gear ready last night so when the alarm went off this morning all I had to do was get up, get dressed and go.  I am in the pool, enjoying my workout before my brain has time to actually work out what I am doing.

This morning's swim did not happen!  Why would I go swimming when I was looking forward to it and actually wanted to go?  Why? Because the alarm did not go off!!!!

Anyhoooo, I even woke up at 5.34 am without the alarm, looked at the clock,  mumbled and grumbled something to myself about it being too late to go now, which for swimming it is, I need to be out the door by 5.20 am so I just went back to sleep - well done dumbass.  It wasn't until I got home from the school run that I realised how idiotic I actually am.  I was sitting at the table having my morning vice (white choc-a-mocha latte) when it occurred to me that although it was too late to go swimming....wait for it, this is the tricky part....I could have done something else at home!  Shock! Horror!  Something else - I can't do that, IT'S . NOT . WRITTEN . DOWN.

I didn't write treadmill, Zumba, 30 Day Shred, Shrink Your Female Fat Zones or any other form of exercise down on my weekly schedule, obviously I couldn't do anything else.  I wrote down swimming so that is what I had to do.  Flexibility is the key for me to succeed, to be consistent, to be persistent is what I need to be and do.  I have to be able to not be so stupid rigid with my routine and just get on with it.  If I can't swim, I'll run.  Now I can see myself writing and alternative exercise down - just in case :)

I don't bend rules, I bend keys

My 5 keys for success ~

• Flexibility - be it
• Consistency - do it
• Focus - have it
• Health - need it
• Desire - want it

I even made a poster......

What helps you to succeed on your journey.......

• Do you have a structured or fly by the seat of your pants routine?
• Do you like variety in your routine?
• Do you ever have those Uh-Ha moments realising how idiotic you've been like I have?