Hello 5 kilos, Welcome to my Hips!

It's been a while and in my (blogging) absence I have gained a wonderful 5 kilos (11 lbs)! Wow, I am so excited about it because now I have to lose it allllllll oooooooverrrrrr againnnnnnnnn! I am such an idiot! I have got to STOP giving up!  I feel like this was made just for me......

I've had a bit of a rough time lately and how do I deal with it?  I stop!  I stopped caring about what I ate, it's been an all-round-non-stop binge fest with no exercise, not a squat or sit-up in sight.  Basically, I just stopped caring about myself.  The worst part of it all is that I knew I was putting weight back on, I could feel it on my body before I even stood on the scales, but I just kept going and going and going.

All those self-hating, negative feelings that I have worked so hard at getting rid of started flowing back so easily and that's when I decided to stop not caring.  I have gone back to Weight Watchers to make it all a little easier for me.  I like having a schedule to follow, I like to plan things and have lists and WW has a healthy check list for each day and I am looking forward to checking everything off of it every day.

I am glad I have access to the recipes again and I feel ready to focus.  I am such an emotional eater and all it causes me to do is sabotage any progress I have made.  I have also simplified my life by deleting most of my social networking sites - tumblr, instagram, daily mile, twitter and some others.  They were taking up too much time that should have been used elsewhere.  I came so, so close to deleting this blog too, but am very glad I decided against it, I do so much better when I am blogging here.  The bottom line is I don't want to feel like this anymore :)

Yes I can do it!  And I'm going to do it!

I have an end of year singing concert in December and I refuse to stand up on that stage in front of hundred's of people at my current weight.  I am already freaking out about having to get up on the stage, but I know I will feel a thousand times better about it if I have lost at least 10 - 15 kilos.  I am letting my singing be my motivation. 

Please share with me......

• Have you ever done something you were terrified of?
• if so, how did you calm yourself?
• How do you deal with unwanted weight gain?
• What is your main motivation to lose weight / get or stay healthy?

The House of Gastro

I haven't been up to much lately, but I am thinking of submitting an idea to the yearly show for another horror attraction. I would call it The House of Gastro!

Apparently Christmas has come early this year..............

"Howdy Ho"

Thankfully it hasn't been me that has been effected by the dreaded poo bug, but the kids - all 4 of them!  To make it worse, they get it one by one.  Why can't they get it all at the same time and it all be over in a week?? WHY????

There have also been a couple of throat infections in there as well causing fevers and vomiting - it has been such an awesome few weeks, I just love it.

Apart from my lack of exercise, my food choices have been really, really bad so yesterday I went grocery shopping and have now filled the house with healthy foods.  I didn't buy any chips, sweets, chocolates, biscuits etc. much to the disgust of my husband.  I told him if he wants softdrink and biscuits he can buy it himself and eat it at work.  I don't want it in the house and the kids don't need it to be here either.

Today I have swapped this.............

For this............

AND I am making it a permanent part of my life.  I know that if I keep a healthy kitchen, I will keep a healthy body.  I don't care how much the kids and hubby complain that there's "no dessert" or "softdrink" in the house, I refuse to buy it from now on.  I mean what sort of example am I setting for the kids by having it in the house anyway?  Plus, it is so, so easy for me to just grab a biscuit instead of making myself a salad.

Even though I enjoy the salad just as much as the biscuit, the difference is the convenience of the junk cause it's pre-made.  Now instead of grabbing a biscuit, I can grab an apple which is 1000 times more satisfying anyway - I am such an idiot, why am I just learning these simple, healthy lifestyle tips now?  I can't believe how long it has taken for it all to finally start sinking in.

I do owe my epiphany to a good friend of mine (Me from My Journey - Am I There Yet?).  Thanks to a conversation between us the other day, she made me realise something extremely significant which has greatly been effecting my attitude towards food that I didn't even know was happening.

Thank you so much Me, I love your support and the encouragement you give me to make myself a better version of what I am now xx

Please tell me if you have had a complete brain and kitchen overhaul.......

• Did / does your family complain about the changes to the food?  
• What's something you have given up and never looked back?
• How do you cope with your new lifestyle changes when cravings hit?

 

Confession Time

I don't really know where to start today.  I am feeling so ashamed and embarrassed, but I thought I would confess anyway.  I have discovered that if I just keep it within myself that it just gets worse and it's even harder for me to move on.  I have been slipping back into some old and really bad habits.  

I don't just mean overeating either, but it's what I do after the binge that is the scary part.  I seem to have slipped back to my old bulimia days.  There I said it, I admitted it.  I still feel nervous, but I do feel better for getting it off my chest.  

It started after we got home from the holiday with the house guest.  She just made me hate myself so much that I could feel all those old, uncontrollable feelings coming back and the bulimia started again.  Only a little bit at first, but then it was after every time I ate something that made me panic and think 'OMG I shouldn't have eaten that' even though what I had eaten wasn't that bad.  It's not a good place to be in.

After starting my back to basics challenge (that is still going) I finally got control back and I have put that ugly bulimia back in the closet.  It's a little unnerving knowing how easy it is to revert back to such bad habits, it felt as though I had never stopped at all.  I haven't been anywhere near bulimic for many years now and I am more determined now, more than ever to make sure it never returns.

Thanks for listening, well reading and letting me be myself here.  I love each and everyone of you who follow along and give me so much encouragement and support.  It means more to me than you will ever know xxxx

I Don't want to Eat my Feelings Anymore

Eating my feelings is something that I really seem to struggle with.  I try my hardest not to, but sometimes my emotions just get the better of me and I shove whatever I can find into my mouth.  At the time it is bliss, but the moment the food is gone I hate myself for it.  It's a never ending cycle that I am determined to stop.

 

The only problem with my determination to stop is that I don't really know how to.  It's more than just a food thing, it seems to go a little deeper than that so the first thing I have to do is work out why I do it.  Once I have the why sorted out, I am sure there will be an easy solution to stopping the behaviour altogether.

I found some articles which may be of possible interest on the topic :

• Emotional Eating from Weightloss.com
• Weight Loss : Emotional Eating from MedicineNet.com
• Gain Control of Emotional Eating from the Mayo Clinic

They pretty much have all the same info, but are also a little interesting.  I am hoping that with more thorough reading I will pick up on something that I will find helpful.

I Wish I had an Off Switch

I wish I had an on and off switch!!! There are some days when all I want is to be able to turn myself off and get rid of all my emotions. Why? Emotions are what cause me to over-eat and look for comfort in food. I know I am an emotional eater and know what my triggers are and I know how to control most of my triggers, but there is one emotion - frustration - that still gets the best of me and I am wondering if this particular emotion will always win? Will I ever beat it?

At this very moment I would have to say a big fat (just like me) NO!!!!!

My "magic" tea can't make everything go away. It's not from some exotic rainforest or anything like that it is just plain old black tea (with a little milk). Because I make a point of sitting down and just drinking the tea with no interruptions like the computer or phone it gives me a few mins to just calm down and relax. I just let my mind wander wherever it wants to go and I just seem to forget about everything else, especially the things that were bothering me. It works really well except for when I get really frustrated about something.

When I am feeling really frustrated I get into that *stuff it* mode and I start feeling sorry for myself, telling myself that I am already fat so what difference does it make what I eat or what I do and everything just goes out the window. My frustration just consumes me and I feel like I have no control over anything, that I am useless and stupid. It's like I can't take any more and I just want to give up on everything.

I can now recognise when I am feeling frustrated and I know what I am likely to do so why can't I stop it? Why, when I know all this stuff about how I am feeling, why I am feeling that way and what the outcome usually is, why can't I just stop and focus? Why do I always give in to this emotion?

Something for me to ponder over my next magic tea. I think I should also try and come up with some more beneficial ways of dealing with how I feel and act when feeling so frustrated.