Hello 5 kilos, Welcome to my Hips!

It's been a while and in my (blogging) absence I have gained a wonderful 5 kilos (11 lbs)! Wow, I am so excited about it because now I have to lose it allllllll oooooooverrrrrr againnnnnnnnn! I am such an idiot! I have got to STOP giving up!  I feel like this was made just for me......

I've had a bit of a rough time lately and how do I deal with it?  I stop!  I stopped caring about what I ate, it's been an all-round-non-stop binge fest with no exercise, not a squat or sit-up in sight.  Basically, I just stopped caring about myself.  The worst part of it all is that I knew I was putting weight back on, I could feel it on my body before I even stood on the scales, but I just kept going and going and going.

All those self-hating, negative feelings that I have worked so hard at getting rid of started flowing back so easily and that's when I decided to stop not caring.  I have gone back to Weight Watchers to make it all a little easier for me.  I like having a schedule to follow, I like to plan things and have lists and WW has a healthy check list for each day and I am looking forward to checking everything off of it every day.

I am glad I have access to the recipes again and I feel ready to focus.  I am such an emotional eater and all it causes me to do is sabotage any progress I have made.  I have also simplified my life by deleting most of my social networking sites - tumblr, instagram, daily mile, twitter and some others.  They were taking up too much time that should have been used elsewhere.  I came so, so close to deleting this blog too, but am very glad I decided against it, I do so much better when I am blogging here.  The bottom line is I don't want to feel like this anymore :)

Yes I can do it!  And I'm going to do it!

I have an end of year singing concert in December and I refuse to stand up on that stage in front of hundred's of people at my current weight.  I am already freaking out about having to get up on the stage, but I know I will feel a thousand times better about it if I have lost at least 10 - 15 kilos.  I am letting my singing be my motivation. 

Please share with me......

• Have you ever done something you were terrified of?
• if so, how did you calm yourself?
• How do you deal with unwanted weight gain?
• What is your main motivation to lose weight / get or stay healthy?

Blah, Blah, Blah.....

It's Monday, my rest day and what do I do, I rest!  Isn't that what you are supposed to do on a rest day?? Well, yes, it is, BUT why am I resting on a rest day when I haven't done any exercise for 2 weeks????????? 

Why?  Because I am feeling like a big, fat, lazy pog.  Look, here's a picture of me.......

walking the dog

Watching TV

Then for some unknown reason, I feel like this.....

Hahahaha, I can't believe I said unknown reason!  Of course I know the reason.  I'm the reason!  I seem to have become one of those people that complains about being fat and doing nothing about it.

such good advice

I hate being fat and unable to do simple things like go shopping without having to go to the "big" stores to buy a pair of pants or a top, so why do I continue to self-sabotage my efforts by eating crap and being lazy? I have no excuse and even if I did, it would be stupid and suck.  There really are no excuses.

"Don't complain  about being fat if you're not willing to do anything about it!"  I am willing and I go well for a while, lose a few kilos and then stop, just stop.  I totally don't understand myself, this is how I feel at the moment......

I actually feel like this sometimes.  I know what I need to do, I know how to do it, but I just don't.  It's like my brain just shuts down and I feel as though I can't get it to start again.  My journey is very, very mental (in all senses of the word), but what I mean is that I love to exercise. 

Exercising makes me feel so good.  I feel great after working out, I'm on a high, life is great etc. so why wouldn't I want to feel like that, really good, great even, all of the time?  I can't work it out! 

Is it because although I am 18 kg down, I still have 30+ kg to go?  Am I finding the whole number thing a lot more daunting than I thought I did?  Is it because I have such low self-esteem and self-belief that I am telling myself that I am going to fail so why bother?  Do I need to break my goals down into 5 kilo lots or maybe even 5 lb (2.268 kg) lots?  Maybe it's a combination of everything - it has to be I suppose, cause all these feelings don't just appear from nowhere, they must already be lurking in the back of my mind.

I'm actually very good at suppressing issues and pretending they don't exist, but lately I am starting to think that maybe I am eating these issues rather than suppressing them.  Not so good at hiding from them as I thought I was!  I'm not confrontational, I never have been.  I was the "perfect" child.  I never spoke back to my parents (or anyone for that matter), I just did what I was told even if I didn't want to.  I was 21 before I ever told my mum off and of course I felt like crap afterwards even though I knew she deserved it.

If there ever was a confrontation I would (and still do) just shut down.  I have all these thoughts racing through my mind and I often want to yell in, or punch the person's face, but I don't.  I just take it!  I don't say a word.  I know this may sound weird, odd and strange, but I physically can't say anything.  It's like my brain won't let me.

The words that I am longing to say, just won't come out.  I'll just nod in agreement with whoever it is just to shut them up and make them go and leave me alone.  My goodness, I am sounding so mature right now.  Isn't a married woman with 4 of her own kids supposed to be able to speak her mind and not take any crap from anyone?  Aren't I supposed to be able to defend myself and not revert to feeling like a scared child?

Enough of that, I think those are issues for a whole different type of blog.  Back to the matter at hand!  There are so many pictures floating around cyberspace of fit, healthy women and I want to be one of them, I really do, but I think I realised while writing this post is that I don't need to look like this......

......all ripped and muscular.  I don't even need to be as hot as my BFF Jill (love her).

I just want to be healthy.  I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.  I just want to look decent, nice even, in the clothes I can buy from the rack in a normal clothes store.  I don't want to be plus-size anymore, just fit and healthy.

I would even settle for this......

NOT!
Ewwwwwwww!  Does anyone actually find this attractive?

Can someone please slap me in the face and then share your secrets with me......

• How do you get yourself out of a slump?  
• Do mini weight goals work for you?
• How do you prioritise your fitness / health goals?


 

The House of Gastro

I haven't been up to much lately, but I am thinking of submitting an idea to the yearly show for another horror attraction. I would call it The House of Gastro!

Apparently Christmas has come early this year..............

"Howdy Ho"

Thankfully it hasn't been me that has been effected by the dreaded poo bug, but the kids - all 4 of them!  To make it worse, they get it one by one.  Why can't they get it all at the same time and it all be over in a week?? WHY????

There have also been a couple of throat infections in there as well causing fevers and vomiting - it has been such an awesome few weeks, I just love it.

Apart from my lack of exercise, my food choices have been really, really bad so yesterday I went grocery shopping and have now filled the house with healthy foods.  I didn't buy any chips, sweets, chocolates, biscuits etc. much to the disgust of my husband.  I told him if he wants softdrink and biscuits he can buy it himself and eat it at work.  I don't want it in the house and the kids don't need it to be here either.

Today I have swapped this.............

For this............

AND I am making it a permanent part of my life.  I know that if I keep a healthy kitchen, I will keep a healthy body.  I don't care how much the kids and hubby complain that there's "no dessert" or "softdrink" in the house, I refuse to buy it from now on.  I mean what sort of example am I setting for the kids by having it in the house anyway?  Plus, it is so, so easy for me to just grab a biscuit instead of making myself a salad.

Even though I enjoy the salad just as much as the biscuit, the difference is the convenience of the junk cause it's pre-made.  Now instead of grabbing a biscuit, I can grab an apple which is 1000 times more satisfying anyway - I am such an idiot, why am I just learning these simple, healthy lifestyle tips now?  I can't believe how long it has taken for it all to finally start sinking in.

I do owe my epiphany to a good friend of mine (Me from My Journey - Am I There Yet?).  Thanks to a conversation between us the other day, she made me realise something extremely significant which has greatly been effecting my attitude towards food that I didn't even know was happening.

Thank you so much Me, I love your support and the encouragement you give me to make myself a better version of what I am now xx

Please tell me if you have had a complete brain and kitchen overhaul.......

• Did / does your family complain about the changes to the food?  
• What's something you have given up and never looked back?
• How do you cope with your new lifestyle changes when cravings hit?

 

"You cannot look after something that you hate"

While exploring Pinterest I came across this......

After pinning this to my motivation board I got to thinking about what it says.  I didn't just gloss over the meaning, I actually read it and re-read it a couple of times.  I finally realised that it does make sense and I think I finally understand something about myself.  

I have often wondered why I am so easily swayed by self-sabotage no matter how hard I try to do everything right.  I have been trying really hard to stay balanced with my food because I know that totally depriving myself of a sweet treat just leads to bingeing, but on the other hand, I also know that my sweet treat can lead to a binge anyway, because sometimes I just can't seem to stop myself.  

After really taking in the meaning of my new motivational picture I discovered the reason that self-sabotage and self-loathing are so easy for me.  It's because....."you cannot look after something that you hate."  It's simple really, especially when it's staring at you from the computer screen.  It's true as well.  I do hate my body.  I hate my husband touching me and although he says he doesn't care, I do, I care.  I don't understand how he can find me attractive when I look and feel so hideous. I don't even have a mirror in my bedroom because I can't stand to look at myself.

"You cannot look after something that you hate."  Is this why I just give up on myself so easily?  I really think that it is the reason, the answer I have been looking for.  Now, I just have to figure out what to do with myself.  I have been stuck in a rut for a while now and it is definitely time to get myself out of it.

I am over the self-loathing and sabotage and it's time to learn how to love myself instead of hating myself.  Hating myself is easy so I am going to challenge myself and go the other way.  Show myself some love and make time to be able to put more effort into my food preparation, because I know that is the key for me. 

A healthy balance is what I need and after reading one of my favourite blogs Happy or Hungry written by the gorgeous Lindsey about how she eats "about an 80/20 split, I’d say.  80 healthy, 20 treats!" This sounds like a great place to start.  I am not going to have treats everyday, but I am going to make up a food plan that includes them and that way I am hoping to avoid any food binges at all.

I have to remember that I do deserve to be happy and I do have to like myself so I want to look after myself and treat myself better.

The Week in Review

*Weigh-in*

100 kg (220 lbs)

+ 900 grams

*Weekly Review*

B. A. D.  I think that sums it up quite nicely.  I have been in hibernation and not doing anything I should have been doing, including reading all the blogs I love that always encourage and spur me along.  I have been away visiting Wallowville.  It's a great place for self-sabotage, self-loathing and pity parties.  All my self-loathing friends were there too, there was Negative Nelly, Doubting Diana and Self-hating Susan who I am glad was there because she is hilarious.

After slapping myself in the face a few hundred times with my scales I am feeling much better and have decided to leave Wallowville and not associate with those ladies anymore.  I have to remember that I am worth it and that no matter how slow I am or how long this journey takes me, I will get there.

I must

in ME

The Good

• I didn't drink any soft drink even though I really, really, really just wanted to slam down a can of icy cold coke - my eyes were watering just thinking about it.

The Bad

• I have done absolutely nothing to help or better myself

The Ugly

• I gained 900 grams

*Challenges*

This Week :

I Won't . . . . . . . . . .

• Go over my points
  
• Eat carbs at dinner time
• Feel sorry for myself
  

I Will . . . . . . . . . .

• Prepare all of my food the night before
• Drink water
  
• Exercise
• Stay within my Pro Points

*Health Blitz*

 I will SWAP boredom eating for a 10 min run on the treadmill

*100 days*

 

*In the Kitchen*

This week I made some Coconut Water Pancakes :

• 1 cup Semolina
• 1 egg
• 250mls Coconut Water

Makes 8 - 10 pancakes at 2 Pro Points each (you need to make at least 13 pancakes to lower the Pro Point value to 1 per pancake)

In a bowl mix (whisk) the 3 ingredients together

 Spoon (or ladle) mixture into pan and flip when you see some bubbles

Add favourite toppings and eat

*Thursday Thought*

I don't really like visiting Wallowville, but sometimes I just can't help it so I was wondering.......

If or when you go there, how do you get yourself out of the self-sabotaging rut??

I Wish I had an Off Switch

I wish I had an on and off switch!!! There are some days when all I want is to be able to turn myself off and get rid of all my emotions. Why? Emotions are what cause me to over-eat and look for comfort in food. I know I am an emotional eater and know what my triggers are and I know how to control most of my triggers, but there is one emotion - frustration - that still gets the best of me and I am wondering if this particular emotion will always win? Will I ever beat it?

At this very moment I would have to say a big fat (just like me) NO!!!!!

My "magic" tea can't make everything go away. It's not from some exotic rainforest or anything like that it is just plain old black tea (with a little milk). Because I make a point of sitting down and just drinking the tea with no interruptions like the computer or phone it gives me a few mins to just calm down and relax. I just let my mind wander wherever it wants to go and I just seem to forget about everything else, especially the things that were bothering me. It works really well except for when I get really frustrated about something.

When I am feeling really frustrated I get into that *stuff it* mode and I start feeling sorry for myself, telling myself that I am already fat so what difference does it make what I eat or what I do and everything just goes out the window. My frustration just consumes me and I feel like I have no control over anything, that I am useless and stupid. It's like I can't take any more and I just want to give up on everything.

I can now recognise when I am feeling frustrated and I know what I am likely to do so why can't I stop it? Why, when I know all this stuff about how I am feeling, why I am feeling that way and what the outcome usually is, why can't I just stop and focus? Why do I always give in to this emotion?

Something for me to ponder over my next magic tea. I think I should also try and come up with some more beneficial ways of dealing with how I feel and act when feeling so frustrated.

BIG Meringues and SmallTriumphs

This is what my husband bought home from the shops for me, for the woman who is trying to lose weight and still has close to 40 kilos to go. A beautiful big white meringue covered in sprinkles - a girls dream right? Well, even though it is, it isn't!

What is he trying to do to me? I am trying to be soooooo good as I am really trying to focus on my weight loss at the moment and he (husband) is always making little niggling comments about my weight more specifically about what I eat, so why on earth would he bring me home something like this???????

I am sure that he is trying to sabotage me sometimes! Does he really want me to lose the weight? If he does why doesn't he help me by not bringing me things like this?

Anyway, I was very tempted and I did really feel like something sweet, especially since it's been nearly 3 months since I've had any chocolate so I had a couple of bites and then threw it in the bin. I even took a photo as proof and also to remind myself that I am stronger than any sugar urge, that I can beat the cravings and that I will WIN!!!!!!

This is definitely a non-scale victory for me - yaaaaayyyyyyy!

The Key to my Success

My life will not change unless I am the one to change it! I have to make IT happen!

I really need to make a few changes in my life so I can achieve 2 tasks I have set myself for this year. I know 2 tasks doesn't seem like a lot, but for me, they are big tasks. The first is to be able to run a 10 km Fun Run in December and the second task is to be at my goal weight of 60 kg when I do it. I would absolutely love to be at my goal weight by December 1, 2011.

I know that this is not going to happen with me sitting on the couch or just doing my exercise program that I have right now. I need to spice it up and work much harder. I also am well aware that my food has to change drastically. I haven't had chocolate since Christmas and I am not allowed to have any until Easter - I wonder what the Easter Bunny will bring me. I am hoping for one of those Darrell Lea soft and fluffy chocolate covered nougat eggs. With Easter so close Darrell Lea is already filled with these eggs and normally I would have already consumed at least 5 of them, but this year is different. As I have said in other posts, this year, 2011 is MY YEAR!

This is the nougat egg still in the box......

...Opened and ready to eat! A sweet creamy coconutty nougat, yummmo!

This is the chocolate shop it comes from (Darrell Lea) with shelves and shelves of chocolate and sugar treats.

More shelves of chocolate and sugar treats.

I am more determined than ever to reach my goal weight and that is way more important to me than a Darrell Lea Easter egg, but because they are the most delicious Easter treats ever I am going to let myself have one at Easter, just like I allowed myself to have my scorched almonds last Christmas. mmmmmm schorched almonds. That's enough fantasizing for now.

So, the key to my success is me, me and me. I am the only one who can change the way I look and the way I feel about my life. I hate being so overweight, I can't stand it, so why do I self-sabotage my weight loss efforts???? Why? Because I am an idiot perhaps. Just because I go to the gym and do a class or practice my running doesn't mean I can eat whatever I want to eat. According to my training widget I have earned 40 donuts, but I am not going to eat 40 donuts because I know what I have been through physically to earn that many donuts in the first place. Hey! I think I am finally learning something.

At the moment I am trying to focus more on my running as I have 2 months till my first 4 km Fun Run and I can't wait. I am gaining soooooo much inspiration from the running blogs that I follow - a huge favourite of mine is The Hungry Runner Girl. I love this blog because not only do I find Janae extremely motivational, but I find that I am learning from her running experience. Some of her running tips she recently put on her blog were - train in harsh conditions, don't try something new the week of the race and to be your own best friend. I love reading her running stories and how well she does in each one - Thanks Janae, you are a champion!!

Back to me, look in your hand, back at me (just love those Old Spice adds) For some reason, something I have always known has just suddenly clicked in my head. I am responsible for what actions I take and for what I put into my mouth. Why has it taken me sooooo long to get a grip on myself and take responsibility for me. My husband didn't make me fat, being pregnant didn't make me fat, it made me hungry, but I chose what to eat. Not being able to stomach anything that wasn't laden with sugar didn't help, but I still had choices and made all the "wrong" and "bad" ones. From now on I am going to make better, healthier choices and move more, a lot more and finally shift this extra weight that has been plaguing me since 1999.

I got my hair done yesterday so I didn't want to go for a run this morning cause I didn't want to ruin my hair. Any sign of moisture turns it back into an old frizzy mess - what is with that? What sort of an excuse is that? A lame one I think. NO MORE EXCUSES.

Here's a pic. for you to see. My hair is actually very curly so it's not often that it looks really nice and freshly blow dried. I am useless with a hair dryer and can't do my own hair. Also, please excuse my red face, it is still a little sun burned from Sunday's outing and I am not wearing any makup - if squeamish, please look away.

Sugar!

Doesn't this look delicious??? I can't even remember the last time I had a doughnut/donut like this - how do you spell it?? Anyway, it has been so long and this is because I know that I can be doing really, really well, eating all the "right" foods and going to the gym and then in a moment of weakness I buy one from Donut King and BAM, it's all over red rover!!!

My brain, my way of thinking starts to change right in front of my eyes, I start to rationalise why I should be able to have them more often - "Well, if I burn 600 calories at the gym everyday I can eat one every day and this is where I get in trouble because even if I don't go to the gym every day I will still have the sugar everyday, but I am not burning it off and it just becomes a sugar habit, which is a really bad habit.

Therefore, I am making a pledge that this particular sweet is totally banned from my diet as it is a huge trigger food for me as is Nutella, especially on a bowl of ice-cream so I choose not to eat these foods, well things, cause they are not really food.

I was recently in a book store buying a present for a friend when I came across Sweet Poison. I have heard plenty about the book and I was going to buy it when I spotted.

The Sweet Poison Quit Plan and I realised that this was probably the better buy for me. I am really looking forward to reading it and discovering some new ideas on how to overcome the dreaded sugar monster within!!

From this day forward I am saying good bye to sugar! On WW I am in a challenge called "Give up a favourite for a week" so I am now taking that challenge a step further and giving up sugar for good or until I know that a small sample will not send me over the edge and off the rails back to Fatsville.

So until it's under control good bye - and