Hello 5 kilos, Welcome to my Hips!

It's been a while and in my (blogging) absence I have gained a wonderful 5 kilos (11 lbs)! Wow, I am so excited about it because now I have to lose it allllllll oooooooverrrrrr againnnnnnnnn! I am such an idiot! I have got to STOP giving up!  I feel like this was made just for me......

I've had a bit of a rough time lately and how do I deal with it?  I stop!  I stopped caring about what I ate, it's been an all-round-non-stop binge fest with no exercise, not a squat or sit-up in sight.  Basically, I just stopped caring about myself.  The worst part of it all is that I knew I was putting weight back on, I could feel it on my body before I even stood on the scales, but I just kept going and going and going.

All those self-hating, negative feelings that I have worked so hard at getting rid of started flowing back so easily and that's when I decided to stop not caring.  I have gone back to Weight Watchers to make it all a little easier for me.  I like having a schedule to follow, I like to plan things and have lists and WW has a healthy check list for each day and I am looking forward to checking everything off of it every day.

I am glad I have access to the recipes again and I feel ready to focus.  I am such an emotional eater and all it causes me to do is sabotage any progress I have made.  I have also simplified my life by deleting most of my social networking sites - tumblr, instagram, daily mile, twitter and some others.  They were taking up too much time that should have been used elsewhere.  I came so, so close to deleting this blog too, but am very glad I decided against it, I do so much better when I am blogging here.  The bottom line is I don't want to feel like this anymore :)

Yes I can do it!  And I'm going to do it!

I have an end of year singing concert in December and I refuse to stand up on that stage in front of hundred's of people at my current weight.  I am already freaking out about having to get up on the stage, but I know I will feel a thousand times better about it if I have lost at least 10 - 15 kilos.  I am letting my singing be my motivation. 

Please share with me......

• Have you ever done something you were terrified of?
• if so, how did you calm yourself?
• How do you deal with unwanted weight gain?
• What is your main motivation to lose weight / get or stay healthy?

The Inconvenience of Core

I have been thinking for a while now about the old Weight Watchers Core Program (focus on filling foods) - it would have to be my all time favourite WW system and I am still pining over it's loss - silly I know, but I just found it sooooooo easy compared to other systems. There was nothing convenient about Core, but I realised today, that the inconvenience of Core was the reason that it worked for me.

With Core, there were no quick fixes. Meals had to be planned and prepared. Menus had to be planned and prepared so I could pick up the best ingredients on shopping day. Even the 21 weekly points (for treats, bare in mind, I consider avocado a treat, especially when covered in Mexican food) had to be planned. I could still have my Jelly Surprise once in a while and still lose weight.

At the end of my Jelly Surprise post I asked this question : "Do I have to decide? Jelly Surprise or my dream outfit? OR can I have both???????????" Well on Core I could have both! *I haven't actually had the Jelly Surprise for months. My husband misses it*

The bottom line for me is that HEALTHY / GOOD FOODS NEEDS TO BE PREPARED - THEY ARE INCONVENIENT!!!! Quick easy meals are usually full of rubbish, which equals rubbish meals, for example, a carrot takes roughly a minute to peel and cut up whereas it just takes seconds to grab a biscuit and eat it. All of this convenience equals weight gain!!

Now, I know that the 1 minute that it takes to prepare my carrot isn't really a long time, but who wants to eat a carrot on it's own?? So I make a dip - usually with WW cottage cheese and either some oil / fat free dressing or some taco seasoning or taco sauce - just a little something to add a bit more flavour to the cottage cheese, then I decide that I don't just want carrot, so celery and / or fresh mushrooms are added as well. Now, as I am preparing all of this, the kids sit there and eat it, which is good because I am so glad that the little ones eat these things so I am not going to stop them, but then I have to make 4 serves instead of just 1 serve.

My 1 minute carrot has turned into a good 20 minute preparation, screaming and crying session because someone's carrot is cut up too small or too big - "I want big carrot", "I don't want cheese", I want little carrots", "I want those white things (mushrooms), but smaller", "I want more carrot", "this is yuk" At this point I end up cleaning up spat out food cause I forgot that this child doesn't like this food, but the one I didn't give it to does like it. It's rather exhausting - convenience = easy = no clothes that fit me.

Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that my life HAS to be much more inconvenient. I am going to stick with what worked the best for me in the past - I am going back to Core.

New Look Blog!

I thought that because I am having a fresh start with WW that I would have a fresh start with my blog as well. I have condensed it to the bare essentials, well what I think the bare essentials are anyway as I am un-cluttering my life, I am going to simplify my life in all areas.

I gave the kitchen a good clean out and donated a few boxes of things I never use that just sit in the cupboard waiting to see the light of day - the amount of cooking books I have collected over the years is incredible, not to mention magazines, especially the Christmas editions.

Anyway, in short, I am feeling better about everything especially my fresh start.

It's Finally Here!!

I don't know whether to cry or not. I don't feel forty, but when I think about it I feel really old, even though I know I'm not. I remember when I was 18, I couldn't wait to be 21 and I remember thinking how old 40 was and that it was a lifetime away, well that lifetime has finally caught up with me and today, I am 40 years old.

Weight wise, I am not where I wanted to be at this age, but at least I am 20 kilos lighter than last year so that is a bonus, but I have decided to make this year, 2011, my year. This is the year for goal and I am going to restart everything today. I am going to change my weigh-in day to today and just have a fresh start. I am going to revive my ProPoints info and start from scratch with everything - portions, water, exercise the lot.

I AM GOING TO MAKE GOAL BY THE END OF THIS YEAR - 31 DECEMBER 2011.

Getting the hang of it - Finally!

I have been following WW for a while now and have been doing well until ProPoints was introduced. For some reason and I can't figure out what, it just threw me for a 6. It put my head out of alignment and it felt like I had to start from scratch AGAIN and I started gaining weight AGAIN. However, the difference this time is that I have managed to keep any gains to a minimum and I have finally turned the corner and seem to have started to lose the weight again.

I was contemplating leaving WW, but I realised that I don't want to leave, I like being a part of something that has such a strong and supportive community so I have decided to stay and continue on the journey and I can do this 2 ways : 

I can either continue how I am going, slowly losing here and there or I can kick myself in the butt and get going by embracing the change completely, not just doing bits and pieces, but completely so that means I have to track all day everyday and not just half a day a few days a week. I know there has been a lot of success on the new points system and I know that if I just buckle down I will have the same success as well.

I will still be apart of WW and follow the program, but on my terms and what I mean by this is that I am only going to eat when I am hungry (something I learned on Core) - not because I still have points to use up! There are some days when I could just eat and eat and eat and then other days where I could go without eating at all. I have also been experimenting with having my main meal at lunchtime so I don't go to bed with a stomach full of food that isn't being burned off. Some nights I am not even hungry because I had a big lunch and I am tired of eating dinner just because it's dinner time. Most nights, especially if I have been to the gym, I just want something light like a few pieces of fruit, but then WW is telling us not to over-do the fruit so I am being careful about that as well, but I love my fruit, I always have.

When I started WW for the 2nd time in my life there was the Core program - it was fantastic! I didn't have to count any points unless I used my 21 weekly points. When I first started on Core I ate soooo much fruit - 5 and sometimes 6 pieces a day and I lost weight consistently each week. After losing 30kg this way WW went and changed the program and NO MORE CORE! I was devastated and started to lose the plot and started gaining. I really resented having to count points for pasta and fruit again, but I finally got my head around that and started losing again. Now there is ProPoints and the same thing has happened. I lost the plot for a little while, but I am back now and finally starting to lose again. Everything seems to finally be falling into place for me and I am enjoying the new system.

Hopefully I will follow this through, well I am determined to see this through to the end and reach goal by the end of this year and this will be my last time joining WW - I just need to refocus.

Sugar!

Doesn't this look delicious??? I can't even remember the last time I had a doughnut/donut like this - how do you spell it?? Anyway, it has been so long and this is because I know that I can be doing really, really well, eating all the "right" foods and going to the gym and then in a moment of weakness I buy one from Donut King and BAM, it's all over red rover!!!

My brain, my way of thinking starts to change right in front of my eyes, I start to rationalise why I should be able to have them more often - "Well, if I burn 600 calories at the gym everyday I can eat one every day and this is where I get in trouble because even if I don't go to the gym every day I will still have the sugar everyday, but I am not burning it off and it just becomes a sugar habit, which is a really bad habit.

Therefore, I am making a pledge that this particular sweet is totally banned from my diet as it is a huge trigger food for me as is Nutella, especially on a bowl of ice-cream so I choose not to eat these foods, well things, cause they are not really food.

I was recently in a book store buying a present for a friend when I came across Sweet Poison. I have heard plenty about the book and I was going to buy it when I spotted.

The Sweet Poison Quit Plan and I realised that this was probably the better buy for me. I am really looking forward to reading it and discovering some new ideas on how to overcome the dreaded sugar monster within!!

From this day forward I am saying good bye to sugar! On WW I am in a challenge called "Give up a favourite for a week" so I am now taking that challenge a step further and giving up sugar for good or until I know that a small sample will not send me over the edge and off the rails back to Fatsville.

So until it's under control good bye - and

What can I say??

Sad Kitty! This is how I feel right now.

This week marks 4 gains in a row, despite my 10 in a Row Challenge. After last weeks gain (3rd in a row), I set myself a challenge to lose 10 weeks in a row and I have failed the first week. I put on 1.2kg which is huge, but I have lost 500 grams of that already!!

There is something going on somewhere that I just can't see. I have been going to the gym, but not as much as normal and I haven't even been bothered to log it in my activity section - these gains are really getting me down. It's not like I have just given up and am eating anything and everything in sight, but then again I haven't been tracking properly and that is obviously having a huge effect on my losses or in my case lack of losses.

Whenever WW changes the system I get thrown all over the place and it takes a little while for me to really wrap my head around it, I think it's just something about me not liking change that much. I was doing really well on the Core program where I lost 30kg and then WW brought in Simply filling and the same thing happened I lost track of everything and it was really hard for me to go from no points to having to count everything. I hated counting 5 points for my pasta where on Core it was point free and it took a while to get my head sorted. During that time I stacked 20kg back on before I got my head around it and started again. I was doing really well again and then BOOM another change. I am determined not to let history repeat itself again, but it feels as though I just can't control it. I just feel like crying.

P.S. Not a huge fan of Miley, but my kids love her. I do love her song The Climb though :

"It aint about how fast I get there, aint about what's waitin' on the other side. It's the climb"

- Miley Cyrus

3 Gains

Today's weigh-in was my 3rd gain in a row. I have been extremely slack in the exercise department, but WW is designed to work without the exercise and I haven't been going overboard with the food. They have all been smallish gains - 2oog, 500g, 200g again this morning totaling a 900 gram gain in the last 3 weeks which isn't huge, but really annoying.

Emotionally, I haven't been feeling the best lately and I think that is having a real effect on me and I actually believe that it is showing on the scales - I don't know if this is possible, in fact it's probably not, but at least it gives me a reason to cling to until I work out what is going on.

I have been going over all of my Propoints information to see if I can figure out where I am going wrong because I am obviously doing something wrong. I've gone from 21 points a day to 32 and now have an extra 49 for the week. Thanks to a wonderful lady from the WW boards I have realised that I don't have to eat the 49 weekly points (I am on-line only and sort of missed a bit of info somewhere along the line). I have also been told that if you are having trouble with the points (32) then just try and have a minimum of 29 and that we are not to eat, just to eat the points and I really believe that this is what I have been doing. I have been "overeating" just to get to 32 points and being a vego and not having meat, I have been adding more carbs to make up for that.

My blog is a mess and so far behind because I haven't done anything with it for a few weeks. I have been signing in and reading - I love reading the stories from other bloggers, like Bitch Cakes stair climb of the Empire State Building - how awesome would that be. She is in training........ See I know what everyone else is doing, just not me.

Back into this week. Missed the gym this morning cause I actually got a sleep in. I'm not too worried because my sleep-ins are very rare. Hubby entertained the kids till I got up which again is very rare.

Feeling Blahhhh!

Haven't been up to much lately. I have been to the gym a few times, but not as much as I would normally go as my husbands shifts have been all over the place lately and I have to work my gym around him (cause of the kids). I could get up and go at 6 in the morning, but they don't have the classes that I like then. I think missing the gym is mostly the reason I have just been feeling yuk lately. I'm not feeling sick at all, but my attitude has just gotten so slack and with WW changing to ProPoints I feel even worse.

I have not had time to sit down and even look at the new stuff properly. All I know is that I am on 32 points for the day and have 49 extra for the week. I am not even going to look at exercise points cause I never eat those anyway. I don't see the point in busting my butt at the gym (when I do go) and then eat it all away.

Anyway I have picked myself up today and I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself and I am going to get off this computer and do a whole new gym timetable and I am even going to do a meal plan for the week. Then I am going to go onto WW and see what my food will look like in points and from there I can make any changes that need to be made. So, off I go.

My Relationship with Food

I haven't been up to much lately so, I thought I would just ramble a little and write about me and food. My relationship with food has never been a good one. I don't really know how or why I became obsessed with my food or how it all got so messed up.

I was always very active as a child. I was in the swimming club, I played netball, softball and I also did gymnastics. I wasn't a fat child, so I was never picked on about my weight, but for some reason I remember it all went south when I was 13 (first year of high school) so that means that I have been battling food one way or another for 26 years - why have I done this to myself??????????

When I was at high school, I just decided to stop eating. I can't remember what set this off. It wasn't boys because there were no boys at my junior high school. I had given up all my sport except for my netball, this was mainly due to moving interstate. I really wanted to keep up my gymnastics too, but there was none close to where we were living. I really don't know what started this off. Maybe it was because my bestie Tracey and I used to collect Dolly magazines and we wanted to be like the girls in them. Or maybe it was because that since giving up swimming I began to get a little bit of a tummy and Tracey didn't have one so maybe on some sort of subconscience level I was trying to be like Tracey. I noticed that I always ate more than she did, but then Tracey didn't play ANY sport, but back then I don't think I really knew the science behind food and exercise. Maybe that is what triggered my anorexia.

For many years I suffered a silent anorexia, no one knew about it. On all the charts I was classed as underweight, but only by about 5kgs. I don't think it was "real anorexia" I just didn't eat as much as I should have and I would skip meals where possible. As I got older (15) I got a part time job at McDonalds. This is when my eating became a lot worse. I remember there were a couple of other girls working there and all they talked about was their weight and how they wouldn't wear anything bigger than a size 8. Back then a size 8 was tiny, not like now where a size 8 is equal to a 14 in some shops and a 12 in other shops. Anyway, maybe this was another reason my eating got worse, cause I wanted to be "skinny" like them. The thing was though, I was already skinny, I was already below the recommend bottom weight for my height, but when I looked in the mirror I just didn't see it.

While working at McDonalds for the next 3 years while finishing high school, not eating became really easy. I used to ride my bike to school early so no one knew that I hadn't had breakfast. It's easy to put a bowl and spoon in the sink with some water in it so it looks like it has been used and then rinsed. I did always have a salad for lunch so it always looked like I was eating to everyone at school. Most of the days I worked at McDonalds I wouldn't eat, no one noticed, and when I got home I would tell mum that I had eaten at work. I started to drop weight and mum would make a few comments, but I would just tell her that I was tired from school, sport and working part-time and because my mum worked 2 part time jobs she didn't really notice what I was eating. My brother and sister were always off doing something so they never noticed and dad, well dad just never noticed anything or if he did, he never said anything, plus he was always busy at work.

Whenever my friends and I went out I would eat with them, but that was the only meal I would have for the day. I became a 1 meal a day person. Even after high school it seemed to get even worse. I was taking diet pills, I think they were called Medi-Slim or something like that. I would take 1 in the morning - you were supposed to eat 1/2 an hour later, but I never did and the tablets would make me soooo sick. I skipped lunch and then I would take another tablet at dinner which consisted of salad. I was eating 1 salad a day for ages. My body became used to it and eventually I wasn't even hungry anymore. I did drop down to under 50kgs though and with my height of 175cm it was starting to become a little noticeable. My mum and I started to argue about food because she didn't think I was eating properly - she was right, but I would never have admitted it to anyone. In fact, this is the first time I have ever acknowledged this to myself or anyone else.

Eventually after about 5 or 6 years I did start to eat more, but I also developed bulimia. I didn't think it was "real bulimia" because I didn't vomit after every meal. This went on for a few more years until I shared a house with 2 people, 1 was a Hawaiian Ironman triathlete and the other was a girl who loved to ride her bike and run. These 2 people inspired me to adapt a healthy lifestyle. I joined a gym and I began to workout with Wendy. I was actually enjoying my life and food for the first time in years. Eating healthy food - real food. Fresh fruits and veges, seeded breads and so on. I had put on 15kg so I was up to 60kg, which was in my healthy weight range, but I felt great and because I was working out, doing weights, swimming, running, aerobics and even martial arts I had never looked better. I was toned and fit. I felt fit and I looked fit. I was happy.

Then one day I became pregnant. Once I was pregnant with bub #1 my whole outlook on food changed. I was pregnant, I could eat for 2 now - wrong, you still only need to eat for 1. I began to eat stuff that I never ate biscuits, ice-cream, lollies, froot loops. I couldn't workout because I had really bad morning sickness, I was vomiting 24 hours a day for the first 14 weeks of pregnancy and I was studying so it didn't leave much time for the gym. I just craved sugar and that's basically what I lived on for the 9 months till he was born, which left me 30kg overweight.

The worst part was though that I had developed all of these really bad food habits again, but in the opposite direction. Instead of not eating I was over eating, I had become lazy as well and had no urge to go to the gym and I kept eating like I had been eating when I was pregnant. My pregnancy made me really hungry. I knew I had to do something, I had nothing to wear so I joined WW. Eventually I lost 22kg which took me down to 73kg which was the top of my weight range then for some reason I started to put the weight back on. By the time I fell pregnant with bub #2 I was already 100kg and I had Type 2 diabetes. Amazingly, I managed to lose weight during this pregnancy and after I had her, I was 95kg. I decided that I was tired of being so overweight so I went back to WW and got down to 86kg before finding out I was pregnant with twins so I stopped the program again. I blew up to 122.2kg by the end of my pregnancy. After having the twins I was 104kg, but again with all the overeating I had been doing during my pregnancy, I just couldn't stop and I ended up at 115kg and even my maternity clothes weren't fitting anymore.

THIS was my FINAL WW moment. I knew I had to do something about this and I did. I am now back under 100kg. I am eating healthy foods and not craving the sugary things anymore and I am back at the gym. A gym I love and can't wait to go to everyday. For the first time ever in my life I can honestly say that I believe in me, that I can do this and that I will do this.

That is my story and my unhealthy relationship with food which is why I am where I am today. I am sure though, with hard work and determination, I will one day be back at my 60kg goal.

Good start to the Week

So far the start to my week has been great. I had a 1.5 kg loss which took me under 100kgs into double digits - very excited about that. I went to the gym and did my usual Sunday weight session which went really well burning 1286 calories and doing over 10,000 steps. My steps weren't over the 10,000 by much, but at least they were over. My mini self-challenge is to have a minimum of 10,000 steps per day except Saturday. Saturday is my day off - no exercise.

I know that the experts say we are supposed to exercise everyday when losing weight, but I think it is important that I let my body recover from the weeks activities and just have a rest day. I fear that if I don't do this I will just burn out and start to hate my exercise so I apologise to all the experts out there, but I am having 1 day off per week.

I am really excited about this week, I just have a good feeling about it. The week has started off really well going into double digits and I know the week is going to finish brilliantly. I am off for a night away on Saturday with my hubby. It is for our Wedding Anniversary which isn't until November, but because of things beyond my control we have to celebrate it this weekend. Not that I am complaining, I can't wait to have a nice night away without any kids - no fighting, no crying and no stress. It is going to be great. The only downside is that because I will be away on the Sunday morning, my weigh-in day, I have to weigh-in a day early.

The package includes a 3 course dinner in our room and the entree is cooked in our room by our personal chef, a "romantic" photo (not really looking forward to that one), a personalised bath robe each, 2 free movies with popcorn and a 6 pack of beer or bottle of wine, valet parking mmmm can't wait to pull up in the Tarago (lol), a half hour massage each and buffet breakfast the following day. The best news of all is that I am not even concerned about overeating or my points. I think that because I have learned so much from WW and received so much help and support from all my WW friends and blogging friends that I know I can go away and not just blow a weeks worth of points. I think being in a good head space which is where I am now also really helps. Can't wait!!! :)))

WW Products

I have been coming across some new WW products lately and they are not bad. There is the garlic ciabatta 1.5 pts per slice (I think that's how it's spelt) and the creamy tomato gnocchi at 5 pts. I have even bought a couple of the mini meals which are around 3 pts.

As I am the only one eating "diet" food some days after already making 2 different dinners for the kids and then hubby I just can't be bothered making my own dinner so these WW meals are great for me. If I have been to the gym at night I don't really feel like eating afterwards but I know that if I don't I will be back downstairs hungry and looking for anything that doesn't need to be cooked (like biscuits) so I make myself have something and those WW mini meals are perfect for that.

Steps, as far as my steps go I was aiming for a minimum of 10,000 per day well I don't think I've reached the 10,000 any day yet this week. I totally forgot to even wear my pedometer yesterday so that was pretty pathetic of me. I am not too worried though and now I will challenge myself even more next week to at least make the 10,000. The highest I have gotten so far this week is 8,000. I might have to just run up and down the stairs a few times at home to make up the difference from now on.

I did some grocery shopping on Wednesday and was very surprised to find out that my time at shopping gave me the same amount of steps as my step class did the night before and it was only just a quick shop and no where near as exhausting as the step class. I do love my step class though, it just seems to be one of those classes that clicks with me, you either hate it or love it and I love it. The class that I hate is Spin / RPM, it has a few different names I think. The first time I did it I was sore for a few days afterwards. Those bike seats are so hard it was hurting to sit down so the parts when you have to stand and pedal really hard like you are going up a hill - I couldn't wait for them, the instructor was quite impressed with me at how I could stand up for so long in my first class, but the real reason was because I couldn't stand the thought of having to sit down again. I tried the class a couple of times after that and I wasn't as sore, but I still just couldn't get into the class, I guess it just wasn't for me.

I bought Ruby Gettinger's Book - Ruby's Diary and it arrived in the mail a couple of days ago so I can't wait to start reading it, I just need to find some quiet time without the kids yelling in my face for this or that. I haven't read a book for a long time and I miss reading so I am really looking forward to reading this one. I am expecting it to be filled with inspiration and tips on how to lose the weight and keep it off. I loved the TV series so as I said before, I can't wait to read all about Ruby's journey.