Hello 5 kilos, Welcome to my Hips!

It's been a while and in my (blogging) absence I have gained a wonderful 5 kilos (11 lbs)! Wow, I am so excited about it because now I have to lose it allllllll oooooooverrrrrr againnnnnnnnn! I am such an idiot! I have got to STOP giving up!  I feel like this was made just for me......

I've had a bit of a rough time lately and how do I deal with it?  I stop!  I stopped caring about what I ate, it's been an all-round-non-stop binge fest with no exercise, not a squat or sit-up in sight.  Basically, I just stopped caring about myself.  The worst part of it all is that I knew I was putting weight back on, I could feel it on my body before I even stood on the scales, but I just kept going and going and going.

All those self-hating, negative feelings that I have worked so hard at getting rid of started flowing back so easily and that's when I decided to stop not caring.  I have gone back to Weight Watchers to make it all a little easier for me.  I like having a schedule to follow, I like to plan things and have lists and WW has a healthy check list for each day and I am looking forward to checking everything off of it every day.

I am glad I have access to the recipes again and I feel ready to focus.  I am such an emotional eater and all it causes me to do is sabotage any progress I have made.  I have also simplified my life by deleting most of my social networking sites - tumblr, instagram, daily mile, twitter and some others.  They were taking up too much time that should have been used elsewhere.  I came so, so close to deleting this blog too, but am very glad I decided against it, I do so much better when I am blogging here.  The bottom line is I don't want to feel like this anymore :)

Yes I can do it!  And I'm going to do it!

I have an end of year singing concert in December and I refuse to stand up on that stage in front of hundred's of people at my current weight.  I am already freaking out about having to get up on the stage, but I know I will feel a thousand times better about it if I have lost at least 10 - 15 kilos.  I am letting my singing be my motivation. 

Please share with me......

• Have you ever done something you were terrified of?
• if so, how did you calm yourself?
• How do you deal with unwanted weight gain?
• What is your main motivation to lose weight / get or stay healthy?

The House of Gastro

I haven't been up to much lately, but I am thinking of submitting an idea to the yearly show for another horror attraction. I would call it The House of Gastro!

Apparently Christmas has come early this year..............

"Howdy Ho"

Thankfully it hasn't been me that has been effected by the dreaded poo bug, but the kids - all 4 of them!  To make it worse, they get it one by one.  Why can't they get it all at the same time and it all be over in a week?? WHY????

There have also been a couple of throat infections in there as well causing fevers and vomiting - it has been such an awesome few weeks, I just love it.

Apart from my lack of exercise, my food choices have been really, really bad so yesterday I went grocery shopping and have now filled the house with healthy foods.  I didn't buy any chips, sweets, chocolates, biscuits etc. much to the disgust of my husband.  I told him if he wants softdrink and biscuits he can buy it himself and eat it at work.  I don't want it in the house and the kids don't need it to be here either.

Today I have swapped this.............

For this............

AND I am making it a permanent part of my life.  I know that if I keep a healthy kitchen, I will keep a healthy body.  I don't care how much the kids and hubby complain that there's "no dessert" or "softdrink" in the house, I refuse to buy it from now on.  I mean what sort of example am I setting for the kids by having it in the house anyway?  Plus, it is so, so easy for me to just grab a biscuit instead of making myself a salad.

Even though I enjoy the salad just as much as the biscuit, the difference is the convenience of the junk cause it's pre-made.  Now instead of grabbing a biscuit, I can grab an apple which is 1000 times more satisfying anyway - I am such an idiot, why am I just learning these simple, healthy lifestyle tips now?  I can't believe how long it has taken for it all to finally start sinking in.

I do owe my epiphany to a good friend of mine (Me from My Journey - Am I There Yet?).  Thanks to a conversation between us the other day, she made me realise something extremely significant which has greatly been effecting my attitude towards food that I didn't even know was happening.

Thank you so much Me, I love your support and the encouragement you give me to make myself a better version of what I am now xx

Please tell me if you have had a complete brain and kitchen overhaul.......

• Did / does your family complain about the changes to the food?  
• What's something you have given up and never looked back?
• How do you cope with your new lifestyle changes when cravings hit?

 

Confession Time

I don't really know where to start today.  I am feeling so ashamed and embarrassed, but I thought I would confess anyway.  I have discovered that if I just keep it within myself that it just gets worse and it's even harder for me to move on.  I have been slipping back into some old and really bad habits.  

I don't just mean overeating either, but it's what I do after the binge that is the scary part.  I seem to have slipped back to my old bulimia days.  There I said it, I admitted it.  I still feel nervous, but I do feel better for getting it off my chest.  

It started after we got home from the holiday with the house guest.  She just made me hate myself so much that I could feel all those old, uncontrollable feelings coming back and the bulimia started again.  Only a little bit at first, but then it was after every time I ate something that made me panic and think 'OMG I shouldn't have eaten that' even though what I had eaten wasn't that bad.  It's not a good place to be in.

After starting my back to basics challenge (that is still going) I finally got control back and I have put that ugly bulimia back in the closet.  It's a little unnerving knowing how easy it is to revert back to such bad habits, it felt as though I had never stopped at all.  I haven't been anywhere near bulimic for many years now and I am more determined now, more than ever to make sure it never returns.

Thanks for listening, well reading and letting me be myself here.  I love each and everyone of you who follow along and give me so much encouragement and support.  It means more to me than you will ever know xxxx

Good Start to the Year!

I would like to say it's been a great start to 2012, but so far it has only been good.  I managed to get in a swim on Sunday (New Years day), but only because it was so hot we decided to take the kids to the pool after Alski finished work.  I secretly packed my cap and goggles and put them on once I got into the pool.  

Fart Face Alan said "WTF are you wearing?" I just told him I was going to do some laps.  This is huge progress for me cause usually I would just forget about the workout and hang out in the pool playing with the kids.  It is so liberating not caring what anyone thinks I look like at the pool.  I was so self-conscience about it, even in my board shorts, but now I don't worry at all.  I'm not the fattest person in the world or at the pool, but by the 1st of October 2012, I will be one of the healthiest at the pool.

I am saying October 1 cause that is the goal I have set for myself.  If it takes a little longer, say December 1 then that is fine, but I am pushing myself (not too hard, don't want to burn out) and I am going to hit my goal weight this year.  October 1 is 41 weeks away and I think (must use positive language) know I can do it.

*Weigh-in*

Again, another reason I said good start to the year is because I gained 700 grams this week.  Although it is a gain, I don't really mind considering Christmas and New Years were both in that week.  In a way it is sort of a good thing knowing that the gain was only 700 grams.  In previous years it would have been so much worse, such as 2008.  I was going really well with my weight loss and I was down 30 kilos (66 lbs) then Christmas hit.  I had Christmas day, Christmas week, Christmas month all the way to June and BAM, I was 20 kilos (44 lbs) heavier - not bad eatin' oink, oink.

I don't do that anymore, so a 700 gram gain is rather pleasing, plus I am back on track straight away.  I am never waiting till June to get back on track again.  I have to keep remembering that......

 

 I have that desire :)

"You cannot look after something that you hate"

While exploring Pinterest I came across this......

After pinning this to my motivation board I got to thinking about what it says.  I didn't just gloss over the meaning, I actually read it and re-read it a couple of times.  I finally realised that it does make sense and I think I finally understand something about myself.  

I have often wondered why I am so easily swayed by self-sabotage no matter how hard I try to do everything right.  I have been trying really hard to stay balanced with my food because I know that totally depriving myself of a sweet treat just leads to bingeing, but on the other hand, I also know that my sweet treat can lead to a binge anyway, because sometimes I just can't seem to stop myself.  

After really taking in the meaning of my new motivational picture I discovered the reason that self-sabotage and self-loathing are so easy for me.  It's because....."you cannot look after something that you hate."  It's simple really, especially when it's staring at you from the computer screen.  It's true as well.  I do hate my body.  I hate my husband touching me and although he says he doesn't care, I do, I care.  I don't understand how he can find me attractive when I look and feel so hideous. I don't even have a mirror in my bedroom because I can't stand to look at myself.

"You cannot look after something that you hate."  Is this why I just give up on myself so easily?  I really think that it is the reason, the answer I have been looking for.  Now, I just have to figure out what to do with myself.  I have been stuck in a rut for a while now and it is definitely time to get myself out of it.

I am over the self-loathing and sabotage and it's time to learn how to love myself instead of hating myself.  Hating myself is easy so I am going to challenge myself and go the other way.  Show myself some love and make time to be able to put more effort into my food preparation, because I know that is the key for me. 

A healthy balance is what I need and after reading one of my favourite blogs Happy or Hungry written by the gorgeous Lindsey about how she eats "about an 80/20 split, I’d say.  80 healthy, 20 treats!" This sounds like a great place to start.  I am not going to have treats everyday, but I am going to make up a food plan that includes them and that way I am hoping to avoid any food binges at all.

I have to remember that I do deserve to be happy and I do have to like myself so I want to look after myself and treat myself better.

The Week in Review

*Weigh-in*

100 kg (220 lbs)

- 2.5kgs

*Weekly Review*

Not a bad week overall.  I have been trying to get up early and move which isn't always a success, but it is getting easier and I am really starting to enjoy the early morning workouts.  I love the feeling of it (the workout) being over and done with before breakfast and I also love the lack of that nagging feeling that I usually get when I still haven't done any exercise.  I am wondering though - does the weather have an impact on early morning workouts?  I think that with summer on the way and the weather warming up, it may be easier to get out of that nice, cosy bed each morning.

The Good

• A good loss this week
• I exercised most days (still needs improvement)
• The 25% Principle seems to be working really well
• I completed The 'Not' Over the Hill Virtual 5K Fun Run (sort of)

The Bad

• I stuffed up the Virtual 5K Fun Run - I forgot the hill
• I didn't plan my food
  
• I didn't track- Why is tracking so hard for me?????

The Ugly

• I had a small sugar binge last night due to a very strong chocolate urge.  All I wanted to do was stuff my face with chocolate!

The Best

• Although I did have a sugar binge it could have been 1000 times worse than it was. I ended up having 3 After Dinner mints which is way better than 3 chocolate bars.  I also managed to avoid the temptation of running across the street to the milk bar and just buying anything covered in or made with chocolate.  I sat down with a hot cup of tea and watched the Masterchef Finale that I had saved on the IQ box thingy.  I can not believe that they split the show so they could put The Renovators on!  What is with that???

*Challenges*

This Week :

I Won't . . . . . . . . . .

• Eat chocolate
  
• Go over my points
  
• Have a second serve
  
• Eat just for fun!

I Will . . . . . . . . . .

• Track
  
• Plan
  
• Watch my portion sizes
  
• Exercise

*Health Blitz*

Week 9 :

 I will SWAP 30 mins of TV each night for planning and pre-tracking of my food

*51 days*

 

Chips AHoy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hot, fresh, crunchy potato chips! I just couldn't get enough of them yesterday. It wasn't a huge binge, but a binge all the same. I had the best of intentions, but as we all know, best intentions don't melt the kilos away. Wishing doesn't make it happen.

We went to the shops yesterday and headed to the food court for lunch. After getting the kids and hubby settled with their food I went off to Sumo Salad and got myself a nice vegetable soup with a water all for the bargain price of $11.50. Well, $11.50 for soup and water isn't really a bargain at all, more like a rip-off.

Sumo Salad only have 2 types of vege soup - pumpkin or lentil. Yesterday's choice was lentil and vegetable which I have had a few times before and always enjoyed. Yesterday I noticed that there were quite a few more chunks of veges in it suggesting that the recipe is new. At this point I was hungry and anxious to dive into my 'new' soup to try it out. It tasted like crud! I could have been eating this................

*The Moldy Cheese Monster*

Yes, I am afraid to say that I would have enjoyed eating a moldy cheese monster over the 'new recipe' soup.

My husband told me to take it back, but I just can't do things like that. My sister on the other hand, she is a shocker. She will stand at the counter and taste 20 samples of ice-cream and then say "no thanks" and walk away - it is sooooo embarrassing. I am not kidding when I say 20 samples, it's probably even more. Besides, I don't think you can take something back just because you don't like it.

Anyhoooooo, hubby had Oporto's and I am ashamed to say it, but I stole his chips and ate them. I am thankful that he only got the regular size. They were so yummy and I was hungry and I couldn't help myself and after that I went and got myself a hot chocolate. I know a hot chocolate every now and then isn't too bad, especially when made with skinny milk, but I always have to add a shot of caramel syrup which adds to the calories. Then last night before I went to bed, I made myself a hot chocolate and had a Monte Carlo and a Shortbread Cream Biscuit. The good news is that I stopped myself at only 1 of each.

The worst thing about the hot chocolate is that they are a huge danger for me. I had to wean myself off of them last year cause it got to the point where I was having them every single time I left the house. It became a really bad habit for me and I had to give them up cold turkey.

Binge over and done with and back to a new day today with no hot chips or hot chocolates.

I Wish I had an Off Switch

I wish I had an on and off switch!!! There are some days when all I want is to be able to turn myself off and get rid of all my emotions. Why? Emotions are what cause me to over-eat and look for comfort in food. I know I am an emotional eater and know what my triggers are and I know how to control most of my triggers, but there is one emotion - frustration - that still gets the best of me and I am wondering if this particular emotion will always win? Will I ever beat it?

At this very moment I would have to say a big fat (just like me) NO!!!!!

My "magic" tea can't make everything go away. It's not from some exotic rainforest or anything like that it is just plain old black tea (with a little milk). Because I make a point of sitting down and just drinking the tea with no interruptions like the computer or phone it gives me a few mins to just calm down and relax. I just let my mind wander wherever it wants to go and I just seem to forget about everything else, especially the things that were bothering me. It works really well except for when I get really frustrated about something.

When I am feeling really frustrated I get into that *stuff it* mode and I start feeling sorry for myself, telling myself that I am already fat so what difference does it make what I eat or what I do and everything just goes out the window. My frustration just consumes me and I feel like I have no control over anything, that I am useless and stupid. It's like I can't take any more and I just want to give up on everything.

I can now recognise when I am feeling frustrated and I know what I am likely to do so why can't I stop it? Why, when I know all this stuff about how I am feeling, why I am feeling that way and what the outcome usually is, why can't I just stop and focus? Why do I always give in to this emotion?

Something for me to ponder over my next magic tea. I think I should also try and come up with some more beneficial ways of dealing with how I feel and act when feeling so frustrated.

Progress Pics

Well today I have put up some progress photos (wearing the same outfit). I have lost just over 10kg in these photos but unfortunately you really can't see much of a difference between them. Oh well hopefully there will be a much bigger difference with the next photos which I will take when I lose another 10kg.

I did my Zumba class today which was fun. There were a few new dances today so I was a little lost for a bit but the instructor (Julia) is great and she doesn't care. She always says "It doesn't matter if the moves aren't perfect, just wiggle your hips, keep moving and having fun". She is soooo good and makes you feel at ease. I think she knows that most of us in the class are pretty hopeless dancers. I still can't get those chest pop things right.

Had a bit of a blow out this afternoon so I am a bit annoyed with myself, but such is life. I know if I dwell on it I will feel worse and have a bigger blow out so I am just putting it behind me and hopefully next time I feel like a binge I will remember how disappointed I feel in myself for doing it today. I am not hungry because of it so I decided to skip dinner and I am drinking lots of water to help with some damage control.

I have finally put the kids to bed so now I can do something crafty which keeps my hands occupied. I am in the middle of a scrapbook page so I will finish that now without all those other little hands wanting to help me.